KFC is running out of chicken across the U.K.

Honorable Ms. May, Prime Minister,

Greetings from Central Asia. Please hear our plea.

We are a small and poor country who only wish to work hard and not starve and not freeze in winter. Our idea of growing chickens came because we have many spaces that you cannot see the far end of, with grasses and bugs that a chicken would eat, and small stones if chickens have craws.

I have never killed and opened a chicken to see about the craw but I do eat chickens that my wife prepares. I eat too much chickens.

Honorable Ms. May. Please come and take chickens. No need to pay. We just want to be rid of. They are too many. They eat everything. Even they eat the locusts.

Send your army. We will not fight. Send your army with bags and boxes and cages and… let me look up this word… rotisseries.

Do not forget the roosters, may God curse them.

Also the army men may have a few eggs.

Yours in hope,

Abdurahmon Sultanbekov

Musk’s Tesla to stay in space for millions of years

That’s what you think. I’m going up to get it. I’ve always wanted one of those things.

Have you seen The Astronaut Farmer (2006)? Billy Bob Thornton? Based on the true story of a farmer who built a dad-gummed rocket in his barn and then (spoiler alert) flew it up into space.

Well get this. I’m a farmer, I live nearish to Houston where all the space stuff is, and I own the Astronaut Farmer dvd. Done deal.

Maybe Musk will want his car back, you say. Tough ti… tough patootie. You can’t park a car in space for a million years and expect it to just sit there. Your insurance isn’t going to pay off if it’s stolen. It’s reckless driving or something. The insurance companies will always get you on some technicality or other. When I bring the car back, I’m not even going to insure it. I’ll just drive it around on the farm.

This rumor about there being a body in the trunk, one of Musk’s enemies? I doubt it’s true but if it is and I find it, I’m going to leave it up there. Not bringing it back. It’s dead weight.

I assume that Musk left the keys in the car.

I was also reading that there is a ton of “space junk” up there, but get this. It’s not junk. It’s all kinds of equipment and satellites and stuff that they can’t or won’t go up and retrieve, so they call it junk to avoid embarrassment. I might snag a thing or two in addition to the car.

I saw a picture of an astronaut sitting in the car, waving. If I find anybody in it when I get there, I’ll just politely tell them to get out. Everybody at church tells me I’m a real diplomat but I will not compromise where the car is concerned.

Lemming Example Goes Horribly Wrong

Jesus, you hate to see a headline like this. You know you shouldn’t read the article. It could haunt you for the rest of the day.

Most kindergarten kids don’t know what a lemming is in the first place. Outside of Norway, anyhow. And since when is mass suicide meant to provide a teaching moment?

Sure, the teacher paid for her stupidity in the worst way, but now, where is the first grade going to find students for next year, what with zero matriculation about to eventuate?

As for the reporter and his “When Nature gives you lemons” crack, fire him immediately! Sue him for libel, or slander, or both. [Ed. note: In fairness to the reporter, several families actually did include his “lemons” quote on their student’s gravestone.]