Top 5 Hollywood Rumors This Week (2)

– One of the top voodoo practitioners in Hollywood, at the behest of Selena Gomez, has FedEx’d to Justin Bieber an Elvis finger, as a birthday good-luck juju. This does not prove that Elvis is dead, but it does prove that he no longer has ten fingers.

– Justin Bieber rolled three Yahtzees in a row in a game against his tutor.

– The other top voodoo practitioner in Hollywood, at the behest of Shia Labeouf, has UPS’d to Justin Bieber a finger from Macaulay Culkin, as a bad juju. Since Culkin appears to have ten fingers remaining, it proves that he previously had eleven.

– Justin Bieber’s tutor rolled three Yahtzees against Bieber and shouted “Suck on this, bitch!”

– Paparazzi have photographed Justin Bieber on the beach at Malibu picking his nose. It cannot be determined from the pics whether he is using the Elvis finger, or Culkin’s.

Anonymous Blogging in Hollywood: Pros and Cons

Among the Pros:

– If you’re anonymous, they can’t sue your ass, or worse! Just don’t use language that might be associated with you personally, like, in my case, “Frack you, Motherfracker!” or “I’ll pay you tomorrow.”

– You can borrow, copy,¬† and steal the text and ideas from other anonymous blogs with abandon. This is useful when you’re on script deadline.

– More than 50% of your readers will believe your lies about your enemies, no matter what you make up.

Among the Cons:

– It’s a damned double-edge sword. All those Pros above are also true for the clowns and liars that a screenwriter has to deal with every day. All that anonymous gossipy mud that has been slung and flung in my direction? Completely, absolutely false. If I actually did the things that they say, if I actually owed them money like that, if their wives were actually telling the truth for the first time in their lying skanky lives, then let them use their own names when accusing me. Or at least the names of their wives. If they remain anonymous like this, they can say literally anything, true or false. I should know.

– True story: This studio electrician in Hollywood wrote in his anonymous blog “If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you’d like making love at midnight in the dunes at Malibu, then I’m the love that you’ve looked for. Write to me and escape.” He gets a comment to the post that is in the affirmative. And by the way, he tried to tweet the message but of course it was way too long, and his Facebook and Myspace accounts had both been suspended. He was forced to blog. So he sets up a meeting at Circus Disco on Santa Monica Blvd. in Hollywood with the mystery commenter and when he gets there, he discovers that the comment to the post was written by his gay lover! His lover recognized his stupid post right away and in a fit of jealousy shot him in the parking lot before they even got inside for a first drink and a dance. This was on “Wet Underwear” night.

– True story: An actor lost his memory, became homeless, and wasn’t recognized on the street because of his beard, matted hair, and lagging, direct-to-video career. One day he’s blogging in the library and he tells of a time when he was in the military and taking a train ride across the country from the East Coast to California. He meets a kid and can’t help falling for her even though she’s underage. But then it turns out that she’s really as old as he is and in disguise to get the lower ticket rate. Readers of this “memory” excitedly realized that the memoryless writer was “remembering” the plot of one of his old movies and that he must be Ray Milland. But Milland died in 1986, plus, nobody knew who wrote the post in the first place because it was anonymous, plus, the actor wrote it in a biblioteca in East L.A. where he was the only guy in the place who spoke English.

Thanks  to bloglily for the topic.

Top 5 Hollywood Rumors This Week (1)

Note: Tupac was last week.

All rumors heard at Harvard and Stone on Hollywood Blvd.

5. Jerry Bruckheimer’s kids won’t let him throw their birthday parties ever again because of the explosions, the fire, and the time that it takes a skin graft to heal.

4. Paris Hilton is no longer a female.

3. Brad and Angelina are still together.

2. The Mayan end-of-the-world 2012 curse applies in particular to all American Idol winners.

1. Elvis committed suicide last year at the age of 75.