Takeaways from the Cemetery Floater Census (2017)

The stats are in for the 2017 Cemetery Floater Census.

Reminder: The Cemetery Floater Census is unrelated to the Cemetery Census.

Several takeaways from the 2017 census:

  • For the 4th consecutive decade, the floaters-per-cemetery ratio remains in the 1.x range, at 1.2.
  • Security footage verification increased in 2017 from 68.4% to 68.5%.
  • Accosted-floater refusal to divulge/discuss individual or group missions remains at 100%.
  • For the 10th consecutive decade, there has been no demonstrated correlation between floaters and grave robberies, or anything else.
  • Floater average score on the Mobley Weird index dipped 12% following the 2016 elections (especially the election).
  • Post-election, Mobley threw up his hands (literally) and registered as a floater.
  • Age/race/gender/religious statistics track to those of a shopper at your typical strip mall.
  • Continuing trends:
    • No floater couples
    • No floater pets
    • No nude floaters
    • No floater piercings, tats, or other body modifications (no floaters have had work done)
    • No floater eyewear.
    • No ad patches on floater garb
    • Sadly, attendance continues to decline at the Kiribati Ball
  • New trends:
    • Increasing LGBTQIA+ floaters
    • Increasing underwater cemeteries (where floaters don’t float)
    • Increased vaping

Note that 2018 will see the first use of cemetery gerrymanders in the census.

In 2018, a new motel chain called Floaters $6 will open.