Busking 4

I’ve been busking most lately at 7th and 51st. Since I don’t sing or play an instrument, I’ve been offering the following:

1. I stick a Glock 9mm to your dome and tell you to hand over $1 dawg or I’ll blow your mother-f**king head off.

2. I stick a shiv to your jugular and tell you to fork over $1 bro to maintain the vein or I’ll bleed you out till you whiter than I am.

3. I hover a knout over your cranium and tell you to lend me $1 dude or I’ll expose your brains to the light of day if you in actual truth have any.

4. I wrap my hands around your throat and tell you to advance me $1 fool or I’ll disallow the passage of O2 into your sorry lungs while I’m wringing  your scrawny neck like a chicken.

5. I take you and your family hostage, subject you to a one-hour rant on tourists and how they’re no better than cockroaches, steal your souvenirs and your wife’s knock-off purse, and check your ID for your home address, so that if you ever even think of coming back to the city, I will come over there and hunt you and everyone related to you down like dogs.

Because that last one takes longer than the others, I’m hoping for a donation of at least $2 for it.

Busking 3

I’ve been busking this week at 36th and 4th. For two dollars, I will write a one-minute song (music and lyrics), perform it, and write it down for you to take with you, on the following subject of your choice:

– Your face

–  Your body, just by looking

– Your body, after feeling it all over outside your clothes

– Your body, after feeling it all over under your clothes

– Your feet in their shoes

– Your feet after taking your shoes off and feeling your insteps, arches, if any, heels, and toes. No bunions need be mentioned.

– Your constitution, after a quick check of your blood, urine, and stool, analyzed on my little portable lab.

– Whether people like you. Just a guess, based on how friendly and normal you seem.

– Your future. Again, just a guess, but I’m pretty good at telling whether a person is going to last another year or not.

Busking 2

I’m still back east and busking on weekends in the city, now at 6th and 43rd. Come on down and watch me if you like. We can have a meet-up.

I don’t sing or dance, so now I present you with a list of personal interactions. For $1, I’ll act out the interaction of your choice for 2 minutes. (Your money back if I break down halfway through, laughing or sobbing.)

My current list of choices for you:

Praise you

Fawn over you

Kiss your ass

Order you to kiss my ass

Insult your mother and the horse you rode in on

Open my eyes wide, lick my lips, and otherwise flirt with you in a creepy manner

Plead with you to forgive me

Absolve you of all sins, within reason

Act as if you stink, or if you do stink, just go with it

Ignore you, but take your money anyway

Throw a screaming fit, tell you that we’re through, through, you scheming, slimy, two-timing bastard! Get out of my sight! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you (sobbing). (Drops to knees.) Forgive me, Baby. Please, I didn’t know what I was saying, you make me crazy, Baby. When I was screwing him/her I was thinking of you, it was all a horrible mistake. Baw. (Grovels, time permitting.)

Treat you like a chicken

Movies that make drinking look good. Movies that don’t.

First of all, a tip of the cap to the masters of playing sober while drunk: Burton, Hopkins, O’Toole, Reed, and Taylor.

Drinking is fun, and funny

Arthur (1981) – No happy drunks in the remake. We’re a sober generation.

Road House (1989) – Drinkin and fightin.

My Favorite Year (1982) – O’Toole keeling over in the bathroom, that was funny.

Animal House (1978) – John Belushi, R.I.P. See, that’s what happens to happy drunks, even if it was a speedball that actually killed him.

Strange Brew (1983) – Doodle ee oop ee doodle de doo (if I remember the McKenzie brother’s theme song correctly).

Hooper (1978) – I’m thinking of the scene in which stunt man Reynolds and his buddies are driving backwards down the coast highway at high speed and come up next to a Highway Patrol car.

Drink Coke

Thieves Like Us (1974) – If you like to drink Coke out of a 6-ounce bottle on a hot day in the South, this is the movie for you.

Drinking turns you into a drama queen, or a corpse (movies that make drinkers want to drink)

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) – Brick, honey, put down that bottle and come to bed.

Who’s Afraid of Virgina Woolfe (1966) – Drunks playing drunks.

Long Day’s Journey into Night (1962) – Compare and contrast alcohol addiction, drug addiction, money addiction, and TB.

The Lost Weekend (1945) – He hides his bottle up in the light fixture and hangs it out the window on a rope. The movie influenced thousands of drinkers. Look at any picture of an apartment house taken in the 1940s and you’ll see bottles hanging out of windows on ropes.

Leaving Las Vegas (1995) – I like Cage better sober yet crazy.

Under the Volcano (1984) – A day in the life (the last one). Read Lowry’s book, one of the great novels of the 20th century.

Name some movies that most people haven’t seen and should see because YOU love them, not because they’re good for you.

Bright Leaves (2003) – Many know Ross McElwee from Sherman’s March (1986). Bright Leaves is another installment in his autobiographical series of documentaries. Here he returns home to North Carolina, to take a look at the tobacco industry and its connections to his family.

The Band’s Visit (2007) – An Egyptian band spends some time in an Israeli village.

Teacher’s Pet (1958) – Aging, chain-smoking newspaperman Clark Gable takes a journalism class taught by perky Doris Day. When they finally clinch at the end, it’s kind of creepy.

Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death (1989) – Shannon Tweed and Adrienne Barbeau remain modestly clothed at all times, so there. Bill Maher at the pinnacle of his acting career. J. F. Lawton wrote and directed this curiosity just before writing Pretty Woman (1990).

Madeinusa (2006) – Peruvian parable in which God takes a nap from Good Friday to Easter Sunday and the villagers behave badly, as anything goes till God wakes up again.

Mona Lisa (1986) – Cathy Tyson is hard to find on film, but she sure got my attention in this one.

Top 5 movies with vegetarian stars

I thought about limiting this to vegans, or even to those who won’t eat anything that casts a shadow, but why not salute all who avoid killing animals except for sport or by driving too fast?

5. The Silence of the Lambs (1991) – Sir Anthony Hopkins probably isn’t a vegetarian but I’m including this movie in the list anyway because it would be ironic if he was or were and because it explains his reference to fava beans.

4. The Graduate (1991) – Hoffman is a vegetarian. I don’t know what he eats in this movie. I’ll steer clear of the obvious joke about Mrs. Robinson.

3. Iron Man (2008) – I just want something here with vegetarian Gwyneth Paltrow in it. The screen Paltrow, you understand, not the real Hollywood Paltrow. If I haven’t written about the real Paltrow yet, I will, that $@^&*, but I won’t use her real name when I do. In Iron Man, she plays Pepper Potts. Which makes me wonder whether Ralph and/or Larissa Pans also abjure meat.

2. Troy (2004) – You would figure Brad Pitt for a vegetarian, what with him having the last name of a fruit seed. He plays Achilles here, whose diet included a lot of olive oil and goat cheese. Plus, the name makes me think of chiles. Plus, it’s the Iliad, right? Isn’t that supposed to be a great poem or book or whatever?

1. Psycho (1960) – Anthony Perkins don’t eat meat. You know how when you’re in the kitchen and you’re chopping vegetables and you accidentally cut your finger and bleed like a stuck pig? Don’t you always think of that when you’re watching the shower scene from this movie? Maybe think about cooking together with Janet Leigh, with her wearing one of those 50s sweaters like she used to?

Top 5 WWJD Movies

 You should ask yourself what Jesus would do every time you watch a movie. Here are my top five movies for raising questions in your mind.

5. Ken Burns Baseball (1994) – What position would Jesus play? He’d have to manage because He’s not going to take orders from anybody else, but He’d also want to play. He wouldn’t pitch because He’d want to play every day. Of course, being The Son Of God, He could pitch every day, but that wouldn’t be fair to the other pitchers, and Jesus is all about being fair. He could catch but I don’t see Him crouching in the dirt in front of the umpire, with a mask covering His face. No, I see Him out in center field, cantering and romping around out there like a young colt, when he’s in a good mood at least.

4. The Wizard of Oz (1939) – If He were the Wizard and Dorothy came to Him asking to go back to Kansas, (1) would He just turn her into a pillar of salt for wanting to leave His kingdom? (2) would He notice that Garland had bound her breasts for the role and if so, what would He think about that? (3) would he give her a pass because Kansas is pretty damned Christian?

3. Marly and Me (2008) – So what about Christ and dogs? Is He pro or con? And what about Marley? How is he going to react, sniffing around The Ankle of our Savior?

2. War of the Worlds (2005) – Does Jesus figure that humans and aliens are all God’s children? Or are the aliens just damned bugs? Does God let the humans and aliens slug it out, like us and the Nazis, making sure we win in the end with us feeling pretty special doing it?

1. The Ten Commandments (1956) – Suppose that Jesus instead of Charlton Heston is playing Moses. He’s thinking Hey, I’m leading the Jews out of Egypt but in a thousand years they’re going to crucify me. Maybe I ought to just leave them there, or better yet, in the middle of the Red Sea. But then He thinks, but I was born a Jew so maybe that’s not so good an idea.