Guaranteed Weight Loss: No Dieting Necessary

Why do diets fail? Because you want to eat! It’s only natural.

Civilization is set up to feed you. Your culture surrounds you with good things to eat. You’ve got to be sick in the head to ignore the blandishments of the food industry. You’ve got to be mentally ill, literally, to lose that blubber. You’re not a fat slob; you’re a child partaking of the fruits of humanity’s evolution toward perfection.

Nonetheless, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be thin. And there is nothing wrong with acting upon this desire.

But not by dieting, for cryeye. Want to end up in an asylum? Go check out your local mental facility. A lot of thin dudes in there!

What are the alternatives? Surgical intervention? Lipo? Medication?

Friend, your body is a temple, not a lab rat. Only God above should be allowed to mess with it. Do you want some money-grubbing sawbones mucking around inside your digestive tract or sucking your essence out from under your skin with a garden hose? I don’t think so.

Which is where the Inner Me Institute comes in.

Park out front. Come in. Tell us how many pounds you want to lose (forty minimum, three hundred maximum). Let us run your credit card and confirm that your payment clears.  Step into one of our private treatment rooms. Change into a tieback hospital gown. Lie down on a comfortable treatment table and let one of our friendly young service techs intubate you. In the blink of an eye, as it seems, you’ll wake up thinner. As thin as you want (and have paid for).

No angst. No drugs (except for the one that knocks you out and keeps you under). You’ll just lie there with enough water flowing into one of your veins to keep you alive.

“When are you going to begin?” you’ll ask when you wake up. You won’t even know that days or weeks or months have passed, until you stand in front of a mirror (with our help) and behold your new self.

One of the young techs will drive you home in your car. Go inside when you get there, accept the admiring stares of your family, and eat something (some vomiting may occur).

When the weight returns, come right on back!

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Miracle Diet: The Wormhole

Before leaving on vacation, I want to share a truly amazing diet aid with you. For only $49,999, I will send you a small wormhole, no larger than a fishoil capsule. It comes with a remote, plus onboard digital intelligence.

Just swallow it and set your diet goal using the remote. Your wormhole will do the rest, from within your stomach. It’s that simple.

Eat all you want, literally. Pig out! And, if you change your weight goal, a click of the remote informs your wormhole of the fact.

Warnings and Limitations:

– Just as unwanted food can disappear into the wormhole, on rare occasions unwanted galactic vermin can emerge from the wormhole. Reference John Hurt, or Stephen King’s shit weasels, or, in a true WTF moment, yourself.

– Your unwanted food disappears not only from your stomach, but from your moment in time. In certain rare instances, you may wake up one morning weighing 500 pounds.

– Your heart, it won’t beat, it won’t beat the way it used to, and your lips, they won’t kiss, they won’t kiss the way they used to.

– If another wormhold offer catches your eye and you unwisely swallow the competitive capsule, so that two wormholes have occasion to content with each other, your warranty shall be null and void. In addition, you may find that you have been converted into an exact double of your spouse. He/she will not get along with himself/herself. Overweight though you may be, you’re better company than a damned dirty spouse clone.

The Pits Diet

Want to lose weight? I wish you would, if you’re who I think you are, reading this. Look, it’s your health I’m concerned about, not the way you look in those Facebook pictures.

I’ve got this iPhone app that removes 10 to 100 pounds from the photograph of a person, depending upon how you set it, so I can tell you in advance, even before you lose the weight, that that two-piece you like to put on at the lake? Keep the top half and convert the bottom half into three.

“It’s the pits.” No. Pits are good. Do not be concerned by the fact that a fruit with a pit is classified as a “drupe.”

Follow these diet tips for success:

– Do not eat the meat of a pit bull.

– Thoroughly remove the peach or plum or whatever fruit before eating the pit. Haha just kidding.

– If you’re one of my four usual readers, you’re going to need help with the actual eating of food with pits. That help can be found here.

– What to do with the pit? (If you inadvertently swallow it, you will not grow a baby in your stomach. This is also true of semen pardon my French.) Do not flick it, throw it, toss it, hide it, put it in your pocket, or put it on you plate where others will have to look at it. Hide it under a lettuce leaf. Since you’re eating only food with pits, you won’t be forking up that leaf in any case.

– Weight loss: large pits vs small pits. Look, if I tell you to eat three items in the morning and you choose avocados instead of cherries, then just give up. And don’t forget to plant those avocado pits in a sawed-off milk carton.

– You’re probably wondering why pits are like round stones, whereas your armpits are hollows (barring some alarming growth or enlarged node, in which case the pit diet is about to become nugatory for you). There is a truly bizarre diet involving armpits, but it falls outside the scope of this post.

– Train someone in the house, other than yourself, in the Heimlich maneuver. Don’t eat in bed when drowsy.

– It’s OK to grind up the apricot pits and snort or smoke the powder.

Remember, it’s all about health. In 86.5% of cases, losing weight doesn’t improve your appearance. 13% of the time, it actually makes you look worse.

The Ultimate Diet

Want to lose weight? Just can’t do it? You’ve tried everything but nothing works? You’re ready to give up?

I’m going to make you an offer that will solve your weight problems permanently. It’s quick. It’s easy. You’ll thank God, figuratively speaking, that you’ve taken this route.

The beauty of the procedure that I offer is that you have to do virtually nothing to take advantage of it. A few words, a few actions, and I can guarantee you the following:

– A long and healthy life.

– Perfection in shape and coloration. Want to be a natural blond? That’s part of the deal.

What to do next? Use this list:

– Buy 13 black candles

– Mark your calendar for the next full moon

– Remember the first time that you misbehaved in your father’s car? Find the nearst crossroads to that spot and remember it for later.

– Buy a live chicken. Do not become attached to it.

– Home in on and hone your best carving knife. Do not hone in on it. Do this purposely but not purposefully, because you don’t know for sure why you’re doing it yet.

OK. You’re ready to go!

I know. I know. You’re shaking your head, asking yourself what this is going to cost you. Nothing comes for free. You get what you pay for.

Well, you know what? Nobody believes in all that stuff about Heaven and Hell and God and the angels and the Devil and Hell anymore, do they? Sarah Palin? Michele Bachmann? Mike Huckabee? How did they get where they are today? I mean, there are plenty of morons out there voting, but really? Palin for President? Could it be that Sarah bought her 13 black candles and her live chicken? You didn’t hear it from me.

The next full moon is due in 9 days, so don’t dawdle. Hell is filling up haha.

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Simple but Effective Diets

Why complicate your life? You can lose weight easily while you go about your normal business, using one of these simple plans.

The Dog Diet

Eat whatever you want, but only on all fours and out of a dog bowl. No fingers!

The Bird Diet

Eat all you want, but peck at your food such that your wife finally warns you that if you do that one more time, she is going to stab you to death with her fork.

The Monkey Diet

Eat all you want, but act like a monkey in your home. That is, don’t wear any clothes and poop wherever you are when you feel the need. In time, your appetite will decrease dramatically.

The Boa Diet

Eat all you want, until your middle is so swollen that it looks like you’ve ingested a pig. Then curl up and don’t eat for a week.

The “Uncle Louie” Diet

Hard-boiled eggs and Jack Daniels only.

Weight Loss Guaranteed: The Mineral Diet

Minerals aren’t food. You can eat all of them that you want without getting fat. In fact, on my all-mineral diet, you’ll lose weight – as much as you want.

It’s simple:

Eat vegan “doughnuts”

 These monstrosities don’t have trace one of sugar, butter, fat, or grease. They look like doughnuts but after you’ve eaten one, and your body has gotten over its WTF moment, it will begin consuming its own fat just out of annoyance.

Eat nails

Chew them down to the quick. Anxiety burns a shitload of calories. Biting your nails tricks your body into thinking that you’re nervous.

Eat marbles 

 Better yet, lose your marbles. The insane are generally slender. Check out any mental institution. Those climbing the walls will be skinny to a man. The fatties are just drugged out on thorazine.

Drink beer 

 Altough beer is not strictly a mineral, I like to work it into all my diets.

Eat air 

Gulping air produces a satisfying feeling of fullness. Your hunger (which is just the sensation caused by contractions of the stomach) will disappear. This relief will persist until you burp.

The Meat-Only Diet: Important New Findings

First, why are you dieting? To lose weight? Most of your weight is meat. Does it make sense to eat more meat when you’re trying to loose weight?

How much of your weight is vegetables? None of it, unless you count your nuts haha. Humor is important when dieting.

You are what you eat, bro. The lion? Eats only meat. You want to turn into a big cat? Is your girl calling you her big pussy cat? It could be happening already. You eat enough meat, you’ll be lifting your leg and licking your ass haha. Again, humor is important when dieting.

Are you maintaining a meat diet in order to stay healthy? What are you afraid of? You too big a pussy to eat a candy bar, Mr. Pussy Cat ha ha?

Ok, no, now I’m serious. That was just to loosen you up. Believe me, you eat only meat, you going to need some serious loosening up. We’re talking hard little pellets here, and that’s medical science. But why is that? Rabbits and deer and guinia pigs make pellets and they eat only fiber. You won’t find a coyote or a tiger or a damn alligator leaving a little pile of pellets around. What gives?

But on the other hand, when a guy gets conked on the head, he turns into a vegetable, not a meat.

So never mind. No fish or chicken. No white meat, including pork. Cut into yourself. You see any white meat? (Don’t actually do this.) Don’t cut into your bother-in-law, either, at least for this reason.

Don’t eat anything that weighs less than 800 pounds.

Don’t eat pig. Don’t let your wife eat it either unless it’s already too late haha.

Don’t eat any meat you don’t know where it’s been, like hyenas.

Don’t eat elephant meat. It’s protected by some kind of treaty.

Women with meaty thighs: good, bad, or, in a better world, irrelevant?

The smell of meat cooking may attrack carnivores. Don’t cook meat in the jungle after dark.

Let’s get rid of that word “meathead.”

Corn-fed beef? Kobe beef with the cow’s hide rubbed with gin? The fewer vegetables the better, but strong drink will always help you get through a diet.

Even if you fall off your meat-only diet, you’ll still be able to beat up a vegetarian.

After a month or so on this diet, you may notice that you don’t want to share at mealtime. You may develop a crouching posture over your plate. If your wife stretches out her hand toward you, for example when saying Grace, try not to bite it.