Miracle Diet: The Wormhole

Before leaving on vacation, I want to share a truly amazing diet aid with you. For only $49,999, I will send you a small wormhole, no larger than a fishoil capsule. It comes with a remote, plus onboard digital intelligence.

Just swallow it and set your diet goal using the remote. Your wormhole will do the rest, from within your stomach. It’s that simple.

Eat all you want, literally. Pig out! And, if you change your weight goal, a click of the remote informs your wormhole of the fact.

Warnings and Limitations:

– Just as unwanted food can disappear into the wormhole, on rare occasions unwanted galactic vermin can emerge from the wormhole. Reference John Hurt, or Stephen King’s shit weasels, or, in a true WTF moment, yourself.

– Your unwanted food disappears not only from your stomach, but from your moment in time. In certain rare instances, you may wake up one morning weighing 500 pounds.

– Your heart, it won’t beat, it won’t beat the way it used to, and your lips, they won’t kiss, they won’t kiss the way they used to.

– If another wormhold offer catches your eye and you unwisely swallow the competitive capsule, so that two wormholes have occasion to content with each other, your warranty shall be null and void. In addition, you may find that you have been converted into an exact double of your spouse. He/she will not get along with himself/herself. Overweight though you may be, you’re better company than a damned dirty spouse clone.

The Ultimate Diet

Want to lose weight? Just can’t do it? You’ve tried everything but nothing works? You’re ready to give up?

I’m going to make you an offer that will solve your weight problems permanently. It’s quick. It’s easy. You’ll thank God, figuratively speaking, that you’ve taken this route.

The beauty of the procedure that I offer is that you have to do virtually nothing to take advantage of it. A few words, a few actions, and I can guarantee you the following:

– A long and healthy life.

– Perfection in shape and coloration. Want to be a natural blond? That’s part of the deal.

What to do next? Use this list:

– Buy 13 black candles

– Mark your calendar for the next full moon

– Remember the first time that you misbehaved in your father’s car? Find the nearst crossroads to that spot and remember it for later.

– Buy a live chicken. Do not become attached to it.

– Home in on and hone your best carving knife. Do not hone in on it. Do this purposely but not purposefully, because you don’t know for sure why you’re doing it yet.

OK. You’re ready to go!

I know. I know. You’re shaking your head, asking yourself what this is going to cost you. Nothing comes for free. You get what you pay for.

Well, you know what? Nobody believes in all that stuff about Heaven and Hell and God and the angels and the Devil and Hell anymore, do they? Sarah Palin? Michele Bachmann? Mike Huckabee? How did they get where they are today? I mean, there are plenty of morons out there voting, but really? Palin for President? Could it be that Sarah bought her 13 black candles and her live chicken? You didn’t hear it from me.

The next full moon is due in 9 days, so don’t dawdle. Hell is filling up haha.