My boyfriend told me he was breaking up with me. He told me that I lacked depth.

What about you? I said. You stock shelves at Safeway. What kind of depth is that?

It’s not about me, he said. I don’t care if I’ve got depth or not. You don’t care if I do either. But I care if you have depth, babe, and you don’t.

What if I really do? I asked him. How can I prove it if I do?

I don’t know, he said. I think I would just know it somehow, but when you talk you don’t know so much.

I smiled a little.  I’m a wily girl.

What? he said.

I shook my head, just gave it a little… shake, you know. I looked off over his shoulder. His shoulders are one of my favorite things about him.

He started to say something, shrugged, shuffled his feet.

I guess I’ll get back to the store, he said. I’m shelving canned peas and beans this afternoon.

I nodded.

What are you going to do? he asked.

I’ll be down at the library, I said. I often go there afternoons.

The library? he said. What the heck do you do in the library?

Read things. Study. Mostly gee… geogro… geography.

Gee…what? he said.

Oceans and lakes, I said. Do you know how deep the ocean is?

Which one?

Any of them, I said. I know how deep they all are.

Wait. I… I’ve got to get back to the store, but look, what I said?… Maybe we need to get to know each other a little better, honey. Why don’t I take you out to dinner tonight? After you get through at the library.


Posted for Pic and a Word

Gruen Transfer

(Thanks to

The Gruen transfer happens when consumers enter a shopping mall or casino or IKEA store, or even a house, and surrounded by an intentionally confusing layout, lose track of their original intentions.

“Well, Sherry. This is it. My little bungalow. Thanks for coming over.”

“You’re welcome, Mr. Gruen. Or should I call you Victor?”

“My friends call me Vicki. Can I get you a drink?”

“A drink? What time is it?… Wait… Is this your bedroom?”

“Sit, Sherry. Relax.”

“Is this your bed? Did we come in the front door? Where did that martini come from?”

“It’s an apple martini. That’s why it’s green.”

“This spread still has a price tag on it.”

“Do you like the spread? Did you bring a major credit card with you?”

“The martini does taste good…”

“Just lay back…”

“Do you mean, just lie back?”

“I avoid that word. You’ve spilled some of your drink, staining the spread.”

“I’m so sorry!”

“We’ll remove the spread for cleaning. I see that you’ve stained your skirt and blouse as well. Let’s get those off too… Step into the shower. Nice and warm.”

“What the…”

“Do you remember why you’re here, Sherry?”

“Surrounded by an intentionally confusing layout, I’ve lost track of my original intentions… Vicki.”

Date the movie star of your choice!

We’ve started a new dating service here in North Hollywood. Date the movie star of your choice!

Here’s how it works:

Which star do you most resemble? Go through our album of headshots and then send us your own headshot and personal information, along with the name of the star you most resemble.

If your notion of resemblance isn’t absurd on the face of it, we’ll enter you into our List of Fame.

Next, read at least one good biography of your chosen star. Study pictures of him or her. Go out to North Hollywood thrift stores and assemble a star wardrobe (we assume that if you’re participating in this service, you can’t afford new clothing, or any of the other accoutrements of a normal life).

Watch a movie or two with your star in it. Mimic the star’s voice. Don’t be discouraged by the reactions of your friends and family. People will not always be kind, contrary to Wilfred Sheed’s contention.

Now you’re ready for your dream to come true: a date with the star of your choice. Just send us his or her name.

We’ll contact that star, as represented by an individual on our List of Fame. Would he or she like to date you (that is, the star that you are impersonating)? If he or she says no, we’ll either pay him or her to change his or her mind or we’ll threaten him or her with physical violence. Either way, your date is assured!

Go out and have a ball. Part of your date’s “yes” will include sex the way you like it, within the bounds of local and moral law.

Of course, we may also contact you and ask you if you’re up for a date with Walter Brennan, say, or Danny Trejo, and you will say yes.