Police Arrest Wrong Man

“A misunderstanding,” Miles Door said, standing on the steps of the police station. “No hard feelings.”

Mr. Door was released after several hours of questioning.

“I went to school to pick up my son,” Door told us. “It was my turn today. My wife and I are separated.

“When I got there, I couldn’t see my child anywhere. A mom told me that she thought his friend Matt’s mom had given him a ride. My wife didn’t alert me, but that’s nothing new with her.

“Meanwhile, this kid Jason was standing there. The mom I was talking to told me that his parents also alternated and that it looked like they had gotten mixed up today too. So I put Jason in the car and headed out.

“But Jason couldn’t tell me where he lived. The kid is five. Don’t they know stuff like by five? So I took him back to the school but by then the place was deserted so I took him home. We got there and he was conked out in the booster seat in back. I left in him the car and let him sleep and called my wife and she gave me Matt’s mom’s number. She told me the mom was probably drunk on the couch because she’s like that. I mean, Matt’s mom because she drinks and my ex because she always has her claws out.

“So I call Matt’s mom and she does seem a little fuzzy and she wants to talk to her kid and I tell her he’s taking a nap and the next thing I know, she hangs up and ten minutes later I’m in handcuffs.

“The funny thing is, turns out, it was my son who was kidnapped.”

My Most Humble Thanks

I have spent fifty years building and managing some of the finest hotels in the world. My top priority has never been to profit, only to provide the best possible guest experience to my patrons.

When I decided to move on to other career opportunities, I found it difficult to deal with the sadness associated with the severance of ties with the friends that I’ve made. Therefore, imagine my surprise when so many of you, my valued customers have chosen to follow me!

For-profit prisons occupy a prominent space in the economic high-growth sector. Their challenges are manifold, something to occupy me in my twilight years. Let us pray that my experience and continued energy provide me with the tools I’ll need to meet these challenges.

My most special thanks and kind wishes are reserved for those of you who have committed heinous and unforgivable crimes, which you have not even especially wanted to commit, only for the purpose of drawing multiple life sentences to be with me! We shall meet again! Gruel and bread crusts for everyone!

Running Eagles Fans Slam Into Subway Poles

In the video that went viral today, a fan, after an Eagles victory over the Vikings, was running along side a train and crashed into a metal pole on the platform. He’s ok.

The other fans discussed in the attendant newspaper article, who had been drinking heavily, were not so innocently innocent as that fellow, who was wearing a number 20 jersey. Those other fans were not running along the platform. They were off the platform, down an unused side tube, there to party in their usual way following a win by their favorite NFL team. They were there to hunt down and persecute the homeless denizens who live beneath the City of Brotherly Love. Or is that San Francisco? No, that’s a whole different brotherly love right there.

The drunken and rapacious fans this time found the community of jerry-built structures affectionately named Polskie Miasto (Polish Town) in honor of the community’s mayor, the proudly homeless Kazimierz GodĹ‚owski.

You can see where I’m going with this so I won’t belabor it.

I abhor all violence.

When the police finally arrived, it was the innocent homeless who were arrested. The six ruffians who did the damage escaped scot-free, although three of them later fell on the tracks and were cut to bits by a passing train full of their brother and sister fans, at least.

Sheriff: Victim’s Head Still Missing

(CNN)

We found a foot first. I think it was a right foot. I remember we found the foot and then found another right foot later and the coroner insisted that the second foot did not belong to the same body as the first foot. I remember I asked him if some individuals might not have two right feet or two left feet and he told me that no, they wouldn’t. I didn’t want to let it go, even when he pointed out that the second right foot was from a female, whereas the first one was from a male. Don’t they say guys all have a little female in them, which explains why when you’re in the shower, you can’t help checking out another guy’s equipment?

Then we found a left foot that the coroner said, due to its DNA, matched up with the first right foot. He also told me when I asked, that an individual with two male feet and one female foot would defy the laws of nature and would be ungodly. As a good Christian, I let the extra foot go at that point. We filed it away as Unidentified Body #2, Part #1.

Next we found the male individual’s coccyx. It wasn’t what it sounds like. At this point the coroner told me that this individual had experienced a grievous injury of some sort. You can lose both feet in a variety of ways. A train can run over them and chop them off. But then you go get some artificial feet and some crutches and life goes on. But if you lose your coccyx, it’s not like getting your boxer’s tail docked. You will be in a world of hurt. Hemorrhoids don’t compare.

This is the point at which we put that running checklist into the evening paper. This is the point at which Betty’s Doughnuts started offering $5 worth of crullers for each new body part found. And when the head became the only part left missing and unchecked in the list, Betty upped her award to $10 worth of glazed and House of Bamboo threw in an end table.

Lester Branchette the first-grade teacher contributed an artist’s sketch of the missing head – as seen from a rear view, hair color and curl based upon the found torso’s back hair.

Everyone in the community seems to agree that this thing – this search for the body parts and so on – has brought us all a little bit closer together and taught us all a little something about what the coroner likes to call “anatomy.”