Air-Frying, a Fun Food Trend

We love to cook here in Casa Udomratchaniwet! Join us in trying out air-frying!

Note up front: When you hear about air-fryers for the kitchen, those things don’t actually fry. Important to know, because all they do is circulate hot air around the food using high-powered fans. They’re just counter-top convection ovens. But we want fried food. We don’t want to blow dry a chocolate banana.

Again, if you read about air-frying on the internet and don’t see the words “hot oil” used frequently, you’re in the wrong place. There is no frying without hot oil.

Another reminder from our past cooking posts: Avoid clean oil. You will obtain best results with used oil, the more “used” (or dirty!) the better. In Casa Udomratchaniwet, we cook with oil passed down in the family. Does oil “go bad” you ask. Well, you heat it up till it’s boiling. What does that tell you? You’re boiling germs in oil! Anything floating in the oil, leave be. Even the insects, and building materials, if you’re re-doing your kitchen.

Now, what you’ve been waiting for: How to get that boiling oil up into the air with the raw meat, vegetables, ice cream, doughnuts, and other food to be deep-fat fried.

Options:

  1. “Defending the Castle” – Lug the boiling oil up to the top of a tall stepladder in a leather pot. Pretend that the food to be fried is an attacking Jute, Angle, or Saxon warrior scaling the walls. Your home is your castle! Pour the oil on the warrior.
  2. “Spit Take” – Coat your mouth with that salve that flame-eating circus performers use. Have someone tell you something funny and spew boiling oil out of your gob.
  3. “Blessing the Food” – Go down to your local Catholic church and borrow their aspergillum (the kind that’s a silver ball on a stick, not the brush). Fill the aspergillum with boiling oil. Twirl it around over the food, sprinkling the oil.
  4. “Thanksgiving Showdown” – Invite a dozen neighbors over to your living rooom and equip each with a turkey baster (Amazon heat-resistant basters, $60/dozen; holsters, $1.99 each).  Throw up food into the air. I mean, throw food up into the air. Quick-draw basting fry party!!

Remember, friends. Anything that can be eaten can be fried!

The Meat-Only Diet: Important New Findings

First, why are you dieting? To lose weight? Most of your weight is meat. Does it make sense to eat more meat when you’re trying to loose weight?

How much of your weight is vegetables? None of it, unless you count your nuts haha. Humor is important when dieting.

You are what you eat, bro. The lion? Eats only meat. You want to turn into a big cat? Is your girl calling you her big pussy cat? It could be happening already. You eat enough meat, you’ll be lifting your leg and licking your ass haha. Again, humor is important when dieting.

Are you maintaining a meat diet in order to stay healthy? What are you afraid of? You too big a pussy to eat a candy bar, Mr. Pussy Cat ha ha?

Ok, no, now I’m serious. That was just to loosen you up. Believe me, you eat only meat, you going to need some serious loosening up. We’re talking hard little pellets here, and that’s medical science. But why is that? Rabbits and deer and guinia pigs make pellets and they eat only fiber. You won’t find a coyote or a tiger or a damn alligator leaving a little pile of pellets around. What gives?

But on the other hand, when a guy gets conked on the head, he turns into a vegetable, not a meat.

So never mind. No fish or chicken. No white meat, including pork. Cut into yourself. You see any white meat? (Don’t actually do this.) Don’t cut into your bother-in-law, either, at least for this reason.

Don’t eat anything that weighs less than 800 pounds.

Don’t eat pig. Don’t let your wife eat it either unless it’s already too late haha.

Don’t eat any meat you don’t know where it’s been, like hyenas.

Don’t eat elephant meat. It’s protected by some kind of treaty.

Women with meaty thighs: good, bad, or, in a better world, irrelevant?

The smell of meat cooking may attrack carnivores. Don’t cook meat in the jungle after dark.

Let’s get rid of that word “meathead.”

Corn-fed beef? Kobe beef with the cow’s hide rubbed with gin? The fewer vegetables the better, but strong drink will always help you get through a diet.

Even if you fall off your meat-only diet, you’ll still be able to beat up a vegetarian.

After a month or so on this diet, you may notice that you don’t want to share at mealtime. You may develop a crouching posture over your plate. If your wife stretches out her hand toward you, for example when saying Grace, try not to bite it.