Las Vegas Pageant: World’s Smallest Wild Cat

[Solosolo Saeeseese, reporting from Las Vegas for HuffPost]

The Finals

Last day of the Pageant! Who will win the coveted Queen’s Stole (sewn from pure mouseskin)? This being Vegas, the betting is fast and furious.

Our Judges

Mr. Pink – The Venetian

Mr. Green – Bellagio

Mr. Purple – Mandalay Bay

Our Finalists

देवदूत (Angel), a rusty-spotted cat (Prionailurus rubiginosus) from Maharashtra State, India

Iblis (Devil), a black-footed cat (Felis nigripes) from Guinea-Bissau, Africa

овереатер (Overeater),  a long-toed cat (Voraceios Felis) from the Šumadija region of Serbia

Athleticism

Angel seems passive.

Devil pounces on prey.

Overeater pounces on Mr. Purple.

Intelligence

Hard to judge Angel’s wit. She seems to be leaving the thing to karma.

Devil is cunning and atavistic. It ain’t pretty.

Overeater is the cat from another planet. All I can say.

Beauty

Angel is a beauty. Oohs and aahs.

Devil has the black feet.

Overeater… This is a plain brown cat with an odd shape. A real head-scratcher.

Demeanor

Angel is an angel. Her presence on YouTube in adorable-cat videos is overwhelming.

Devil, against the world.

As for Overeater, I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something powerfully unadorable about her.

Our Winner!

Overeater wins. Seems odd, as the animal did not prevail in any category. A lot of smart money came in on Overeater at the last minute. Mr. Green is suggesting I shut my yap.

Update

In a shocking turn of events, Overeater has been exposed as a northern short-tailed shrew (Blarina brevicauda), largest and only carnivorous member of the shrew family. Our judges went to strip Overeater of the Queen Stole, but she had already devoured it, as well as the other two finalists. Losing bettors are advised by Mr. Pink to pay up.

Interview: Man thinks he’s a cat

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: Sir, what is your name please?

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: You are believing you are cat?

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: You say only meow?

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Purrr.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: He say only meow, this guy, and now he makes the purr. You see how he licks? I am still paid if he say only meow?… You, Ganjić! Do not rub against. I will give you pain!

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Mr. Aubrey Atwater: Madame, you are being paid to draw the fellow out. Use honey, not vinegar, please. He’s testing you. And stop looking over at us.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: Ok. Now you will see… Ganjić! Meow!

Mr. Gavril Ganjić: Meow.

Ms. Nijole Jakeš: Dvesto hudičev! I am not cat. I talk to cat like I talk to person. Please pay me now!

Mr. Aubrey Atwater: Meow! HaHa… Ow!

Bad News For Sellers Of Petrified Cats

(Headline, Huffington Post)

Went down to my favorite gift shop today, to do my Xmas shopping. Got quite a shock when I saw the display of my favorite brand of petrified cats.

My plan this year, like every year, was to give a cat to everyone on my list. My mom and dad have gift cats from me going all the way back to when I was a child and tried to make some of them myself. Do my folks just drag all the cats out when I visit, and situate them around the house as doorstops and so forth, or do they keep them where they can be seen every day? I don’t know. I’m pretty sure the ones out with the garden gnomes are permanent fixtures.

Anyway, I get to the store and what to my surprise, my favorite rock-cat company has hired a sculptor (probably a building full of them in China. Nothing against China! I have some really great stuffed cats from China) to carve funny expressions into the feline faces. Even the Jesus, Joseph, and Mary cats were grinning. It’s an outrage.

A cat will expire with a particular expression on its face. Yes, I know that it’s a very sad moment. The expression may be one of resignation, sadness, calm, whatever. It is not for mortal man to alter it. How would you like it if you excavated an ancient pyramidal tomb, opened the sarcophagus, and found the pharaoh mummy inside sticking out his tongue at you? How would you like it to go to an open-casket funeral and… Well, you get the picture.

And while I’m at it, Uncle Sal, it’s not ok to use the cat as a boot-scraper by your back door. All, please do not use your cat as a nutcracker. Please do not dress the cat in children’s clothing – oh, I guess that’s ok. Please do not part out the cat to make lots of smaller gifts. Do not regift the cat.

So where do I turn? Petrified Chihuahuas? Petrified gerbils?

Nah, I guess this year I’ll go with the partially-petrified cat product.

Cat Gets Stuck Atop Towering Cactus

So read the CNN headline on 11/11/11.

My girlfriend’s thoughts:

My ex Mike works for the fire department in town and I happen to know that the town council is considering a conversion of that department to an all-volunteer force. It would be just like Mike, the skunk, to take a cat and put it up a cactus to bring attention to his heroic damn department.

That cat was nobody’s pet. Too scrawny and moth-eaten. I was down at the pound the other day and most of those strays are a mess. It would be just like Mike, the rat, to go down there and pick out a cat to use in his scheme. He could lean a ladder against the cactus and just climb up there with the animal. As a fireman, he’s up and down ladders all day. If he did that, he should be exposed and fired. An anonymous tip would work.

And speaking of going up and down all day, if he was really such a hotshot fireman, he could have seen that cat and rescued it himself. All he had to do was climb off that underage waitress tramp of his and pick up his binoculars and look out my ex-bedroom window. It’s a straight line sight from my ex-bed to somebody on a ladder next to that cactus.

Mike you rat, I hope you are arrested and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, not just for the cat but probably for statutory rape too, because if you aren’t, the next thing they are going to find up there is a puppy.

Top 5 movies about a cat that turns against its master

5. The cat gets rabies and traps the mom in her car in the driveway.

4. The family cat dies and is replaced by a step-cat, which turns out to be a serial killer.

3. The family cat is secretly replaced by a robot that looks like the cat but has been sent from the future to kill the mom and her son.

2. The cat escapes with the children and flees through the mountains because the dad is a Nazi. There is singing.

1. The cat is crucified in a graphic fashion that I thought verged on torture porn, but returns to that life or one of its other nine lives on Easter.