Busking 7

I’ve been busking in an elevator on 6th Avenue when it rains. The ride is too short for a good song and dance, so I’ve been offering the following:

$1  Shoeshine

$2  Head-to-toe whisking

$3  Oil your zipper

$4  Pull up your socks, grab your cock, and get you ready to roll!

$5  Surreptitiously hit the Stop button, scream “We’ll never get out of here! We’re all going to die!” and then let you be the good Samaritan who calms me down.

If you have a pet on a leash, I will get down on all fours and keep it company at no charge.

Busking 6

I’ve been busking along 5th Avenue. Without any entertainment skills, I’ve been offering the following:

$1 – I go around the block, snatch a purse, and bring it back to you. Contents are pot luck.

$2 – I slip into that deli over there and bring you back a cheese.

$3 – I sneak into the wake at that funeral home on the corner and bring you back the wedding ring from the deceased’s hand. I have no pickpocket skills, but when the mark is dead, it’s not so hard.

$4 – I wait over by that park bench and when a woman in a tank top walks by, I wrestle it off her and hand it to you as I flee.

$5 – Within 10 minutes (or it’s free), I  bring you a baby in its stroller, with diaper bag.

Busking 5

I’ve been busking around Washington Square. Since I can’t sing or dance or play an instrument, I’ve been offering the following, to make a little scratch:

1. A light trim ($1)

2.  Manicure with sparkly polish ($2)

3. Pedicure with fungicidal sparkly polish ($3)

4. Look to the left and cough ($4)

5. Full pelvic (Free) (Spectators: $5)

Busking 4

I’ve been busking most lately at 7th and 51st. Since I don’t sing or play an instrument, I’ve been offering the following:

1. I stick a Glock 9mm to your dome and tell you to hand over $1 dawg or I’ll blow your mother-f**king head off.

2. I stick a shiv to your jugular and tell you to fork over $1 bro to maintain the vein or I’ll bleed you out till you whiter than I am.

3. I hover a knout over your cranium and tell you to lend me $1 dude or I’ll expose your brains to the light of day if you in actual truth have any.

4. I wrap my hands around your throat and tell you to advance me $1 fool or I’ll disallow the passage of O2 into your sorry lungs while I’m wringing  your scrawny neck like a chicken.

5. I take you and your family hostage, subject you to a one-hour rant on tourists and how they’re no better than cockroaches, steal your souvenirs and your wife’s knock-off purse, and check your ID for your home address, so that if you ever even think of coming back to the city, I will come over there and hunt you and everyone related to you down like dogs.

Because that last one takes longer than the others, I’m hoping for a donation of at least $2 for it.