Guest Post: Goodbye

Dear joem18b. I am using this guest post to say goodbye. Sayonara, baby. I have been your girlfriend for three years now and I still don’t know what you look like or how old you are or where you live or what you do or nothing.

I am out of here.

Don’t comment me or email me or write on my wall. Do not tweet me. Do not leave a message on my home phone machine in a disguised voice, Mr. Invisible Man.

I’m going out tonight with a real person, a guy that I found on a dating site. He may turn out to be a serial killer, but at least I’ll feel his hands around my throat.

We had some good times, you and me, especially after we met on Phoenix University’s online campus. Those were the days, snugglebuns. Do you know what I’m doing right now. I’m in the bath and… Aw, nuts. Forget it.

Those “personal items” I sent to your anonymous postal-service box? I want them back. Laundered.

Is anything that you told me really true? My friend Trudy has been out with a hundred guys and she says that you are way exaggerating. Have to be. Trudy says that if you’re telling the truth, she’d be willing to wait three years for you herself, or even four, to hook up.

So goodbye. Unless you want to get together later or something. Let me know what you think.

Guest Post: There’s Something Wrong with This Guy

My neighbor joem18b invited me to sit down here and write a guest post on his blog. He’s gone down to the 7-11 to buy us some juice to drink the times I come over from next door to visit like this, so I’ve got about ten minutes to finish this composition. He probably expects me to say something nice about him, but he told me to just say whatever was on my mind and I will. But I don’t want him hanging over my shoulder while I’m at it, so when he comes back, I’m done, whatever.

First of all, joem18b? Who has a name like that? I see him in the front yard, I have to go Hello, joem18b. It seems odd. He wants to be a good neighbor, I’ll give him that. But he’s a strange bird.

Second of all, I’ve read this blog of his on the computer down at the library. (I don’t have a computer yet. I’m waiting till they settle down.) From his blog, you’d think he was a regular guy. He told me the other day that he stole 95% of what you read here, from other blogs. He said he couldn’t write a good sentence if his life depended on it. He said he’d never get caught because there are so many blogs and nobody would think to check, if anybody read his stuff in the first place. He just wants to make some friends. I asked him if he had made any. He said most of the people who read his blog, if they even did really read it, he didn’t know who they were or where they lived or what they did or anything. I asked him why he didn’t just go downtown and meet some folks. At a bar or the bingo hall or the whorehouse. He stared at me like I was nuts.

There’s nobody living in this house but him. There is a dress dummy in the living room, wearing a tuxedo. At night I hear dance music and see shadows moving on the shade.

The blog contains stuff about sex, but he told me that he lost his privates at the age of two in an accident with an electric toy steamshovel.

He spends an awful lot of time in the kitchen and out in the yard with his flowers. Can you be a fag if your dick was cut off?

I don’t like his religion. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t see him in my congregation on Sunday mornings, so it can’t be good.

He’s not from around here. He could be from a foreign country with that name of his. When he moved in, before he changed them, he had license plates from Wisconsin or Minnesota or someplace like that, someplace with a lot of Swedes or Germans or Canadians or whatever. His eyes might be a little slanty. His skin might be a little dark. His hair might have some curl in it. Kinky curl, I mean.

I’ve never liked the paint job on his house. Mrs. Jacobs, who lived there before him, wouldn’t change it. When she finally passed, I breathed a sigh of relief. joem18b said that he’d paint it a new color. I asked him what color. He asked what color I would like. I said I’d like a brown color. The next day he told me he had researched the subject on his computer and how would I feel about French Roast. I asked what was that. He said the color of coffee. I said I didn’t want anything to do with the damned French. Cowards. He asked about Portobello. I asked what was that. He said a mushroom. Jesus Christ, joem18b! What’s wrong with you? He asked how I would feel about Dark Chocolate. OK, I told him, paint this eyesore the color of dark chocolate and you’ll finally have a friend in town, namely, me.

What are your favorite topics to write about? Do you get to write about them very much in your work?

As a creative screenwriter, I’d like to answer these questions by coming up with some oh-so-clever, East-Coast-Elite, nuanced topics, but given the seriousness of the subject, I’ve got to shoot straight.

Novices: Always write about subjects that you like, not about subjects that you hate. Writing about subjects that you hate will make your work a lot more interesting and will make you more money, but what will it do to your soul?

My favorite topics:

1. Jesus – Jesus wants us to write about Him. WWJD? He’d start His own blog! Plus, there are a lot of pictures of Him around, so folks don’t have to imagine what He looks like. And because He’s all about the Bible, you can make up stories about Him any way you like.

2. God – God is harder to write about than Jesus. Sure, He loves me, but my great-aunt Agnes loved me and that didn’t stop her from thwacking me on the head with her darning egg every day that she raised me.

3. Satan – According to Drive Angry, he’s an old guy who serves as the warden of a prison. He’s quiet and well-read. You can see Harvey Keitel do him in “Little Nicky.”

4. The Pope – 1.147 billion Catholics. That’s a lot of seats in the seats. Plus, if you write your script right, you can get some anti-Catholics to watch as well.

5. That guy who predicts which day the world will end on – Every time he names a date, I write another script. He’s getting old. I just pray he can hang on for a few more.

Most of my work on these topics is vectored at training films paid for by the Go to Heaven or just Go to Hell Church on Hollywood Blvd.

Five Favorite TV Shows 2011

I don’t have a television set that is hooked up to anything and don’t use streaming much, so anything that I know about TV shows comes from seasons boxed on DVD.

Ruling out all the canceled and concluded shows and miniseries that I’ve liked, my current favorites:

Top 5

5. Sons of Anarchy

4. Breaking Bad

3. Curb Your Enthusiasm

2. Big Love – I haven’t seen the final season. I’ll be sad to see it go.

1. In Treatment

Five more, some of which could be in my top five

5. Entourage

4. Fringe – Always entertaining but frustrating because the through story is so slow to emerge.

3. Spartacus: Blood and Sand – Poor Spartacus got sick. Hope the show comes back.

2. Community- So far I’ve only seen Season 1.

1. I’m probably forgetting one.

Honorable mention

True Blood – Liked Season 1. Started Season 2 but bailed.

Haven’t seen

Parenting

Glee

Boardwalk Empire

Treme

Modern Family, Parks and Recreation, The Killing, The Walking Dead, Nurse Jackie, etc., etc.,…

Haven’t engaged me

Dexter

30 Rock

The Office

All animation

Bored to Death – Almost. If it had more through story.

Weeds

Chuck

Write What You Know!

If you are an aspiring writer, you’ve probably heard it a million times, and it’s good advice. Write what you know. To prove it, I’m going to give you a list of statements, some true and some false. You’ll be able to tell which are which in an instant. It’s like that with your readers. Tell the truth and they’ll know it. Make something up and they’ll know that too. Remember this list when you’re tempted to go beyond that which you know and write falsely about that which you know not.

1. Canadian geese will walk right out into the road, even if a car is coming. It’s like they’re stupid or something.

2. The bird most likely to poop on your head would be the seagull.

3. I dunno. Seems like a pigeon would be just as likely.

4. When you’re at the gym and there is this hot babe on the thigh machine next to you, with bare legs that go all the way up to a tight leotard, and she’s sweating lightly on those legs, (a) you’re invisible to her, (b) you can’t look anyway, because if you do, that creepy guy on the other side of you will pipe up, and (c) you have to take a tiny peek anyway, for Christ’s sake, and yes, the guy starts yakking at you right on cue.

5. When you come home at night and you walk into the kitchen and say honey, i’m home, and your wife gives you that look, the hairy eyeball, you aren’t going to be able to talk your way out of it, whatever it turns out to be.

6. When you come home and your wife gives you that other, “intimate” look, you’re going to have to earn your dinner and it will be late.

7. If you wake up and can’t remember the last 24 to 48 hours, you need to get up and go to the closest AA meeting happening now.

8. If you have three treatments due in the morning and you haven’t got a single goddamned idea, and you’re sitting at the back of the AA meeting taking notes on what every speaker says in hopes of finding a plot in there somewhere, the cranky old drunk next to you starts to poke his nose into your business.

9. After the meeting, you stop in at a favorite bar and one thing leads to another and by the time you’re back in the car driving home, the sun is coming up and you’re seeing double and there appear to be geese in the road ahead. Should you slow down or just assume it’s an hallucination and keep driving, so that you can get into your kitchen and drink a couple of cups of coffee?