City moves up date it could run out of water (ABC, KTIC)

Hello. As your mayor I am responsible for the management of this crisis.

Please contact Andrea Paddle, Director of Public Works, for more information.  She has provided me with the following list and will be responsible for the management of this crisis:

  1. As of 8 am this morning, stop washing your cars (Uber, Lyft excepted).
  2. As of noon today, stop washing your hands.
  3. As of 3 pm this afternoon, it will be against the law to use or think the word “wash.”

What about drinking? Contact Amne Chukwuemeka, Director of Sanitary Health, for information. Amne will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Amne:

  1. All age limits on drinking of alcohol have been completely lifted.
  2. Mixed drinks: Blacks, Whites, and Coloreds can drink together.
  3. Slurp to sieve mud through the teeth.

What about the future? Contact Imani Onwuatuegwu, Director of Elections, for information. Imani will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Imani:

  1. This crisis is not the mayor’s fault.
  2. This crisis is not my (Imani’s) fault.
  3. 71% of Earth is covered with water. The human body is 57% water.

Asteroids Most Likely To Hit Earth (Salon)

You’ve seen the list?

I read somewhere that the government has named the most dangerous asteroids “El Salvador,” “Haiti,” and “Mexico,” plus a couple of others named for African countries. Proof yet again that Nature loves coincidences.

Between 37,000 and 78,000 tons of solar system debris hit Earth every year (not counting sandwich wrappers, soda cans, etc., tossed out of biplanes). If you ever wondered where the pharaohs got their ceremonial iron trinkets a millennium before the Iron Age, that iron was winkled out of meteorite detritus by court artisans.

Anyway, we just had a near miss and I believe that a hit is due in 35 minutes somewhere out in the Pacific. Think I read that.

What’s to be done? Can’t be allowed. Need to clean up the rogue asteroids. My neighborhood has a community… caucus or committee or something. Meets the first Monday of every month in the recreation room next to the pool in the El Nido apartment complex on Slappy Drive. I’ll bring this up.

What is “Fake” Fake News?

This is the most common question I get these days on the blog (dark-net edition).

What it’s not:

  • Fake fake news is not un-fake or non-fake or true news.
  • Fake fake news is not very fake or extremely fake or awesomely fake news.

What it is:

  • Fake fake news is written or spoken material for which an individual or organization is paid in good faith, with the understanding that the product is genuine fake news, which it isn’t.
  • Fake fake news can be true or false; it can be news or nothing new; it might further the goals of directed fake news or have no effect whatsoever. Who the hell knows!?
  • Fake fake news is produced to make a buck (which is taken directly out of the pocket of the honest fake-news writer) or for a larf. It may be plagiarized from any source (in several cases the Bible). It may be generated by a random-word app or typed by a roomful of monkeys – no, the monkeys would never do that.

Don’t read it. Don’t listen to it. Do not abide it.

And that’s the truth. Or honest fake news.

 

Hawaii Told To Fix Its Alert System (BBC Headline)

Shoutout to the BBC. Don’t know how you found out about my tweet to Hawaii, but thanks for backing me up.

Folks, the “I survived the Hawaii missle attack” t-shirts are now available in merch. Stock up!

My suggestions to Hawaii:

  1. Warn us of alerts in advance! By the time I got my fried-pineapple cart out on the street, half my potential customers were cowering up in the rain forest.
  2. Change the message! Instead of “Missile attack,” why not “Surf’s up”? Can you imagine the surge if the nuke went off just before it reached the shore?
  3. Include an action for the reader to take! Blame somebody! For example, “Missile attack in 35 minutes. Call your congressperson. Register to vote. Go outside and buy fried treats.”
  4. Fire somebody! Hire somebody better! Can I have the job? I’ll bring my cart.
  5. Widen the broadcast! I have a pickup with speakers on the back. I could drive around the city spouting off.

Congressman Passes Bill on Floor of Senate

[Washington, D.C.]  While speaking on the floor of the Senate, Senator John Smoot (R-Wy) passed the bill of a merganser he had shot out of season. The bill had been “stuck in committee” for a week.

Weekly News Quiz

Questions (use Google for answers)

  1. A country can be:

(a) a shit-heel

(b) a Scheißkopf

(c) a shit-bird

(d) a shit-hole

2. Legal in California:

(a) Sanctuaries

(b) Sanctuarees

(c) Fracking in sanctuaries

(d) Voting even if born in Kenya

3. Legal in Alabama:

(a) Secession

(b) Re-secession

(c) Voting, if you don’t look like you were born in Kenya

(d) Malls

4. Nuclear war this week, depicted at:

(a) The local metroplex

(b) The local amusement park

(c) The local video-game store

(d) Earth

5. This week’s top eBay item:

(a) Trump’s first tweet, printed out on a cocktail napkin, to Trixie Smith, his first follower

(b) North Korean intestinal worm (6.5 feet in length)

(c) Verified proof of voter fraud (vote cast by a Kenyan during 2008 U.S. election)

(d) Verified Kenyan pajamas, found in White House Lincoln bedroom

Man Tries To Throw Wife Off Bridge, Instead Falls Himself: Police

[Headline, Huffington Post]

I wasn’t trying to throw my wife off the bridge. I was trying to strangle her. Then I was going to throw her off.

Our marriage has been troubled.

If I just threw her off, the drop wasn’t going to hurt her and I couldn’t depend on the gators to finish the job. Look at me. They only got one foot, one hand, and half a buttock.

If I had thrown Agnes off alive, I’d have her stumping around the house on one foot now, trying to cook and clean with one hand and unable to sit and rest without pain. She would have been unbearable! Not that she isn’t anyway.

I explained all this to the police. So did Agnes. They understood that the whole affair was an accident. Or a failure, from my perspective. But Huffington’s stringer down here, Audet Duplessis, covers a thousand square miles of swamp and bayou and and you can’t tell her anything. Which is why I arranged to meet her on the bridge later, to give her a blow by blow recreation of the events that had transpired.

I tried to strangle her and took my second trip down into the drink. That’s how I lost another half-buttock, my car keys, my eye glasses, and one ear.

How do you keep your new glasses on without an ear? i haven’t figured that one out yet.

And yet, here comes the next Huffington Post headline.

“Man Tries To Throw Reporter Off Bridge, Instead Falls Himself: Police”

She knew I was trying to strangle her. What else did she mean at the time when she said, “Ggggggggggggggg!”

I’ll give Audet this. She came out there with me again when I promised to behave. And then here comes the next headline.

“Man Tries To Throw Self Off Bridge, Instead Falls Himself: Police”

Mummy’s Erect Penis Explained At Last

[headline, Huffington Post]

This immediately raises the question: if the Rapture happens at this moment and your penis is erect, will you automatically be left behind? Must you be flaccid to enter into Heaven? And what if St. Peter is a really good-looking dude?

Second-class sort of additional question: if you’re handling an erect penis (not your own) at Rapture time, does this disqualify you as well?

Unless, in either case, procreation is your goal?

But even then, should you be handling the thing like that?

And why must it always be about the male member? What about that female mummy found wearing a thong? Or the one with the humongous ta-tas? I’ve got penis fatigue.

The mummy wasn’t headed for heaven anyway. Several thousand years worth of Egyptians when they died were vectored right up to Aaru, the Egyptian reed fields, where Osiris reigned after displacing Anubis.

Yes, Anubis. Say it slowly. Ahhh NUBE    isss. No worries about erect penises with that dude. He doted on them. This is why the ancient Egyptian taxidermists were sometimes paid by the family of the deceased to stuff his male member to its fullest, and sometimes beyond, before doing the mummy wrap.

My uncle, who owned a funeral home, used to do the same thing, but in his case, just for laughs.

WATCH: Amazing Teen Uses Piano To Detect Landmines

[Headline, Huffington Post]

Tell me about it. My kid? The piano lessons cost a fortune. Plus, I had to buy a piano. The gas it takes to get him to the conservatory? At today’s prices? Don’t ask.

Look, it’s an investment. The kid will need something like this on his college application in eight years. Pray God he doesn’t ask for drums.

The point is, this kid will do anything to get out of practicing. He’s supposed to be doing his scales? Silence. I hear nothing. He tells me he is tuning the piano. He’s leaning into it. I look in and he has his iPad in there. Later I still don’t hear anything and he has his iPad propped up in front of his Hanon exercises. He tells me he is looking for Beethoven sonata piano music online. Later I still don’t hear anything and he tells me he’s working on his pedeling. I look down and he’s got his iPad by his foot. Shoe off. Working the device with his toes.

When my kid hears about this teen and her landmines, who knows what ideas it will plant. We’ve got no landmines in the neighborhood, but there is dog “waste” on the lawns. Can my boy get his instrument out the sliding glass doors onto the patio and then around the house to the front yard? It’s a spinet on casters. Does he play something when he spots a pile on the lawn? Does that count as practice? Note to self: consult with his teacher.

According to the boy, there is an iPad Piano Teacher app. You pay to download each lesson, but the lessons are much cheaper than his current teacher. According to the boy, in addition to landmines and dog poo, there are lessons on cooking with the piano, improving your Scrabble game with the piano, and some unrated lessons that I might check out myself, after the boy has gone to bed.

Walmart Evicts Workers Living In Store Parking Lot

[Headline, Huffington Post, 02/10/12]

All over America, there are husbands temporarily living in their car after a fight with their wife. Where do they wash up, shave, and brush their teeth every day? At work, of course. Many sleep under their desk rather than in the vehicle.

(In which other countries does this occur? There was a vogue in Finland, until a spate of hypothermic incidents led to a dramatic increase in widows; in Romania, husbands woke up sharing their automobile with a family of gypsies; in China, to find an iPad assembly line in the back seat; etc.)

In general, companies are comfortable with this situation. The employee stops asking to “work from home.” Commute time is zero. Employees purchase all their necessaries right there in the store, instead of letting their mate at home go cruising out to Safeway every day. So what went wrong at Walmart? All seemed copacetic. Right next door at Target, a husbands’ support group was meeting in an RV in the parking lot. On the other side, husbands were quietly dumpster-diving at Jack in the Box.

It turns out that Walmart experienced an uptick in husbands living in their cars, not due to domestic discord, but to avoid onerous chores and childcare duties at home. These men were telling their wives that Walmart was making them work around the clock. That to keep their job, they had to “work late.” Then they would party all night long in the lot, in Winnebagos tricked out as huge mancaves.

The bottom 80% of workers at Walmart are moms, many harried. When they found out what was going on, they threatened a Spartacus-like revolt. The parking-lot husbands, including many Walmart executives, were sent home.