Guest Post: Representative John Jakobs

Hello. I’m John Jakobs, your representative from District 51. I’d like to thank the blog administrator for providing this opportunity to me to speak to you.

As you may know, if you’re a resident in my district, the special election is upon us, and I’d like to take a minute of your time to ask for your vote.

Who to vote for? That’s what we ask ourselves. There is only one way to decide. You must dialog with the candidates and make your choice based upon their views, their beliefs, and their values. And their promises, of course.

That’s what I am now offering you. My beliefs. Write to me, email me, post a question on my wall, tweet me, call me on the phone, fax me. Track me down like a dog. Use whatever method you must to contact me with your questions.

And what are your questions? Let me give you an example. You probably know that 99 out of 100 reputable scientists support the view that the Earth is warming, as a consequence of human activity and to the detriment of all living species upon the planet, except the bugs. One scientist out of a 100, on the other hand, often branded as a nut, cries out in protest and denial, warning us of a monumental hoax, of junk environmental science. Which do you believe? The 99 or the 1? Contact me and state your view. Make your case and I’ll explain my beliefs on the matter to you as well. If we are in accord, take that into account when you vote.

There are those who say that government is the source of all our problems, that the smaller the government is, the better, and that the lower our taxes, the better for the economy. Others argue that in this time of globalization and environmental challenge, we must rely on our government to assure equity in the polity and reasonable control over capitalist practices. Tell me what you think and I will then agree with you, or try to convince you of a truth other than your own.

Another example: some believe that undocumented immigrants in this country contribute substantially to our industrial productivity and deserve a life of dignity and a clear path to naturalization and citizenship. Others would load the illegals, or “wetbacks,”onto boxcars by the millions and haul them back to Mexico and dump them there. Where do you stand? Let’s discusss this, one on one, mano a mano.

I could continue. What about the LGBT issue? Or as others would have it, the practices of homosexuals, or “homos”? What about taxing the rich? What about abortion: a woman’s right to control her own body or bloody murder? I have my views. Perhaps they’re the same as yours. That’s why I want to “get inside your head.” Reasonable people can disagree, but to garner your vote, it’s probably best if I agree with you.

I’m guessing, in fact, that you and I agree on just about everything. It’s just a feeling I have. Contact me and let’s find out.

Thank you.

Guest Post: Representative John Jakobs

Hello, Mr. joem18b. I’m making this guest post as a thank you for the help you rendered me on my recent Hollywood junket.

You ask, what are my three favorite films?

Well, I like the one where the family man is falsely accused. His wife and kids continue to believe in him, although perhaps they do have a few doubts, but in the end he is proven innocent and it was all a big mistake.

I also like the one where the husband discovers that his wife has been unfaithful. He actually sees the pictures, but he finds it in his heart to forgive her, after giving her a good sound thrashing.

Finally, I enjoyed that comedy where the man’s wife is an alcoholic, his son is a drug addict, and his twin daughters are whores, but he manages to keep the whole mess a secret until he retires.

Thanks again for your Hollywood help. Since nobody reads this, let me avail myself of the opportunity to tell you that what you said about fellatio in Hollywood is absolutely true. Executive power in the studios is measured by who blows whom pardon my French. If you’re a member of Congress, you’re lucky if you can keep it down to only two mouths at once.

Don’t forget to vote!

Your friend, John Jakobs

Guest Post: David Gold

Hi, joem18b. Thanks for the opportunity to introduce myself and write a few words about what I’m up to.

I guess there aren’t too many readers out there who have seen 15,000 movies.

I was going to start a movie blog myself, but I’m always so busy watching movies, I haven’t had a chance to do it.

I was going to use the blog to keep lists of what I’ve watched, divided up into categories, by director and by year and so on. I used to have a list. I’d carry it with me to the theaters, in case somebody would ask me about all the movies that I’ve seen. Nobody did ask me, but meanwhile I lost the list when I left it on my seat after the first Transformers movie. I was hurrying across to see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry in the next theater and I just forgot it. When I went back, it was gone. The cineplex never found it. I went through their dumpsters out back, but no luck.

I probably know everything there is to know about movies. Well, I was going to learn all the possible camera shots and how to cut a film together and what directors especially like to do in their films, but I would have had to stop watching movies while I wrote all that down and it’s hard to remember those things anyway. Who cares about all those different shots? Let the DPs worry about them. That’s what DPs get paid for. I’ve seen every possible shot a thousand times, even if I can’t recognize them or name them and don’t really give a good goddamn about them, to tell you the truth. It’s hard enough to sit there and watch movie after movie. Can you imagine how many shitty movies I’ve had to watch to get to 17,000? I should start my list again. I used to have a plan. I used to have a schedule. I should make a new plan.

It’s hard to keep a job when you’re watching so many movies. I worked for a while at the cineplex but I was just sneaking in and watching the same movie over and over again. Can I count each time I saw it in my 18,000? I worked at Blockbuster but once you’ve watched all the movies there on the store machine, what’s the point? I never met a single girl at Blockbuster. Well, I met a lot of them but none that would go out on a date with me, to the movies or anything, or practically even to talk to me. The customer is always right! I’m able to live on the city’s General Assistance monthly checks. I spend them all on movie tickets, and eat at a soup kitchen and sleep in a shelter.

If I could meet a girl, she could ask me about any movie and I’d tell her that I’ve seen it. The homeless women I know are all mentally ill or alcoholics or drug addicts who don’t care about movies. At the movies, you never see a girl sitting by herself. They’re always sitting together. If you say hi, they look at you like you’re crazy. If they knew I’d seen more than 20,000 movies, they wouldn’t feel that way. Even if you sit down next to them at the start of the movie it doesn’t do any good. I offer to share my popcorn but I never get a date.

My time at this library computer is up. If you’re a girl reading this, I would like to date you. See you at the movies!

Guest Post: Freddy Potts

Thanks for this space, joem18b. I’ll use it to write about my movie-watching pet peeves.

I hate it when the person sitting next to me is texting on their iPhone, or playing Angry Birds, or eating something, or has snot up their nose, or breaks wind a lot. Also, I hate it when their stomach gurgles. It “takes me out of the movie.”

I’ve tried to ignore all these things. My therapist says that I’m “too f**king sensitive.” But no use. As noisy as Transformers and Punch Drunk were, I still couldn’t concentrate on them with somebody at my elbow clearing their throat, bringing up phlegm, and scratching. They scratch their scalp and then there is a pause, and then they scratch their armpit and then there is a pause, and then the next thing, they’re scratching in their pubic region. And grunting. I hate the grunting.

This is why I now watch movies only at the cinema, not at home. I’ve talked to my wife and daughter and mother-in-law about this but it doesn’t do any good. So no more sitting on the couch with them watching DVDs for me. I’ve had it.

Guest Post: Sister Ildephonsus

I’m often asked whether nuns have a sense of humor. I have many answers to this. For example:

– If you had a sense of humor, would you be a nun?

– Two nuns and a dwarf walk into a bar. You’re probably familiar with this thigh-slapper.

– I’m married to Jesus Christ. Dude doesn’t laugh much.

I’m writing this guest post to address the issue of God’s Wife. “God moves in mysterious ways.” I believe that. I’m not married. Does that make me God? The priest at Saint [—–] is not married to those young boys of his. Is he God?

I could have been a wife to some normal guy, you know. In high school, the boys were after me like I was a bitch in heat. I’m not saying that I wasn’t, but even then, I’d only do it in the apse, or out back in the graveyard. Please, no jokes about nuns and their bad habits.

Actually, forget about God’s Wife. That older generation. Who cares about the grandparents? What about Jesus? Is he married? If so, what does his Wife make of all us nuns claiming to be married to Him (except for the superannuated Sister Gerd, the seriously bent Sister Bruce, and the butt-ugly Sister Angelina)? Does Jesus’ Wife laugh it off or does She have it in for us? Are we pathetic? You know, like “I want to marry my daddy when I grow up”? Is She a nun, or an ex-nun? Jesus has got to have some kind of relationship going up there. Of course, there’s the long hair and that dreamy look he’s got in the pictures. The flowing robes. Light on his feet? Jesus, I hope not! Father Brutus says that Jesus and Satan have been spending a lot of time together and that they’ll come out of one of those anterooms to Hell with shit-eating grins on their faces pardon my French.

I’m in one of those tough orders where you shave your head and spend the day washing dishes and scrubbing floors and shelling peas. And for what? I don’t even have some lout sitting in his favorite easychair drinking beer, eating peanuts, and scratching his hairy chest through his wife-beater, ignoring me till he’s hungry or horny or both. What’s the point? This is the twenty-first century. Nobody shells peas anymore. We’ve got an army of undocumented Catholics up from the south to do that.

It says right there in the Book of Something or Other – I can’t keep the damned things straight – that, yes, God has infinite wives. Infinite, meaning numberless or without number. Doesn’t that mean by simple mathematical calculation and proof that I’ve got to be one of them? If it’s infinite, don’t you have to count me in there at some point? So God, please raise the freaking red lantern.

Guest Post: Bullying

Hi, Uncle joem18b! Thanks for giving me a chance to blog!

Mom and Dad feel terrible about those awful guest blogs they did today. They asked me to tell you they’re sorry. When they get in a fight, they’ll just say or do anything to be hurtful to each other.

Speaking of being hurtful, there is a clique of the “best” girls at school which is giving me a very bad time. Sure, the girls are prettier than I am. Their hair is more stylish. They all have at least one boyfriend and I don’t have any, but that doesn’t give them the right to hurt my feelings every day, does it?

When I come home from school, I just want to do my homework, cook a little something in the kitchen, sew, and moon over the dreamboats in my movie magazines. Instead, I turn on my computer with dread to see what latest attacks on me I’ll find on Facebook.

What should I do?

Your loving nephew, Irving

Guest Post: Candy Posthul is a Skank!

[Alright, Frank. I’ll still go out drinking with you, but after this, you’re banished from this blogsite for good. joem18b]

Guest Post: Candy Posthul is not responsible for the debts of her husband Frank Posthul

[Jeez, Candy, couldn’t you give me a little more than that? joem18b]

Guest Post: Dear Son

You don’t call, you don’t write, this is how we communicate with each other? joem18b. We give you the name joem07b during the brit milah, but is that good enough for you? No, Mr. Big Shot has to move to Hollywood and become joem18b.

Your sister is dating a doctor. Well, she is his patient. Your sister is seeing a doctor. She says that she is good to him. No health insurance and still she hasn’t paid for a single visit.

You brother was fired from the police department. “Hate crimes in uniform,” they said. Mr. Fancy Pants couldn’t take it off first? Now he’s a security guard at the mall. Already he’s been warned and then admonished. He says they are “managing him out the door.” Your brother is filled with rage. It’s why he was such a good cop.

You are still dead to your dad.

I spoke to your uncle Saul, Mr. Hollywood Big Shot. He says he will “listen for one  f**king minute to the s**t you call writing.” Always Mr. Knows Everything.

Say hello to Ranana the cat for me.

Guest Post: Goodbye

Dear joem18b. I am using this guest post to say goodbye. Sayonara, baby. I have been your girlfriend for three years now and I still don’t know what you look like or how old you are or where you live or what you do or nothing.

I am out of here.

Don’t comment me or email me or write on my wall. Do not tweet me. Do not leave a message on my home phone machine in a disguised voice, Mr. Invisible Man.

I’m going out tonight with a real person, a guy that I found on a dating site. He may turn out to be a serial killer, but at least I’ll feel his hands around my throat.

We had some good times, you and me, especially after we met on Phoenix University’s online campus. Those were the days, snugglebuns. Do you know what I’m doing right now. I’m in the bath and… Aw, nuts. Forget it.

Those “personal items” I sent to your anonymous postal-service box? I want them back. Laundered.

Is anything that you told me really true? My friend Trudy has been out with a hundred guys and she says that you are way exaggerating. Have to be. Trudy says that if you’re telling the truth, she’d be willing to wait three years for you herself, or even four, to hook up.

So goodbye. Unless you want to get together later or something. Let me know what you think.