Can Men Hear When You Have Your Period?

[Headline, Huffington Post, 1/27/12]

I broke down and called Arianna Huffington on this one. I know that she sold her periodical to some company or other, but she is still the managing news manager. She keeps her ear to the ground. I asked her what she had heard about this, period.

What would  her mother say, back in Greece, if she read this article? Or wait, are young women actually asking their mothers questions like this today? If I looked into a high-school classroom during third period – or any period – would I see teenage boys chatting with the girls and then impulsively resting their ears on the girls’ stomachs?

My hearing is none too good. I almost got run over by a truck this morning and I couldn’t make out one word that the driver was shouting at me. A woman at work cut her finger and I heard her squawk, but I didn’t hear the bleeding.

The other thing is that a gentleman does not acknowledge, or even notice, any sound that might emanate from a woman’s body – or any odor either, of course. You’re sitting at dinner in a fine restaurant, or in your loge at the opera, with Lady Betsy, and no matter how violently your senses are assaulted, no matter what mutters or actual cries of outrage are to be heard from those around you, you remain oblivious, the slightest smile on your lips, and you bend toward her and offer her a mint and your opera glasses, clouded though they may have become.

7 Weird Things That Happen During Sleep, Explained

[Headline, Huffington Post, 01/12/12]

1. You have had no intimate relations in your life, but yet you wake up from a vivid dream in which you were “doing it.” How is this possible? Are you sure that you are absolutely pure? Has this been confirmed by a doctor’s examination? What about that time you did one jello shot too many and woke up in the tool shed?

2. Your mate reports that you drool in your sleep, but yet you rarely drool in waking life, metaphorical instances notwithstanding. Confront your mate. What is he/she doing that may be causing this unwonted seepage?

3. You use up one pillow every few weeks. (a) The marshmallow story is apocryphal, an urban legend. (b) Sleepers with back trouble are often instructed to place a pillow “under their hips.” This configuration is also used sometimes during the act of marital congress. What’s the story with your hips? Are they sharp? Do they stick out like elephant ears? Does your partner sometimes yelp, “Eat something besides salad, Baby. You’re killing me here!”

4. You wake up in a strange place, whereas you went to bed in your bed. This one is easy. Somebody moved you.

5. You wake up in your bed, whereas you went to bed in a strange place. Also easy. You need to learn to “cuddle” when you’re done.

6. You have had a strange dream, but it seemed so real. I hear this often. It probably was real. This is probably the dream. How can you know? (a) Pinch yourself. Did it hurt? Of course it hurt. Even in a dream it would hurt. What are you thinking? (b) Spin one of those little tops. Does it just keep going and going. And then almost stop and fall over, but then, no, it speeds up and keeps going, and then it starts to slow down… You get the idea. If this happens, it strongly indicates that you are at least a little crazy, for just doing everything I say. You’re lucky I don’t ask you for money. Yes, you, four-eyes.

7. You wake up and your wife is gone. Her clothes are gone. Her suitcase is gone. In the kitchen, there are signs that she made a PB&J to take with her. Check in the hall closet! Whew. Your golf clubs are still there.

Doctors Shocked As Ultrasound Reveals Face In Testicular Tumour

Headline that appeared in the Huffington Post a week ago.

This is a family blog, but I think we can have a responsible discussion about the lowly testicle here.

I knew a young woman in graduate school who thought a cat’s testicles were his kidneys. Education is important, even on this page.

Therefore, my top five memorable sets of testicles:

5. Guiness record for most testicles in one scrotum: Dennis O’Toole (5).

4. Strangest-looking: Brian O’Murphy, whose scrotum, for some reason, is green.

3. Guiness record for lowest-hanging: Patrick Owen O’Connor (2 inches above the knee).

2. The “ghost” testicles: Queen O’Brian was told by a soothsayer that if anyone saw her son’s testicles, including her son himself, that son, Sean O’Brian, would die within the year. The queen had the child delivered and diapered by a blindfolded doctor and nurse team, and thenceforth, his privates were never uncovered. Sean lived a long life (never married) without ever laying eyes on, as they put it these days, his own “junk.” Some question whether he actually had any.

1. Bobby O’Reilley, the first recipient of donor testicles in their original scrotum. The young man Flynn O’Cruller was tragically killed in a car accident and when he was parted out, O’Reilley got his ‘nads. O’Reilley’s wife states that, when she’s making love to her husband and feels those things slapping against her down there, no, it doesn’t give her a funny feeling. As for having a red-haired baby, it’s all the same to her, since Bobby is a carrot-top and so was Flynn.