till my dying day

I’ve just earned my degree from a prominent for-profit online university. As soon as I come up with $30,000 I’ll receive my diploma and be ready to get out into the community and begin healing the many psycopaths and fruitcakes that abound on the streets.

I can’t legally practice psychiatry but I can treat the deranged, as long as I don’t get caught, and I can prescribe medications (which I already deal).

The subject of my graduate thesis was When Folks Say “I won’t do such-and- such till the day I die,” Do They Mean It? I live next to the city’s largest cemetary, so for a year I went over and interviewed the bereaved on the subject. I had to put up with a lot of tears and some anger, but I got my stats.

10% of the dead used the expression when alive.

Of those, 75% did not realize that the day they died was going to be the day they died. Hence they had no opportunity to do the thing they weren’t going to do till that day.

Of those who knew they were going to kick the bucket on that particular day, and were correct, 60% did not do the thing they were not going to do till the day they died, even though the day they were going to die had arrived.

Of those who now were ready to do the thing they weren’t going to do till that day, 90% were unable to do it, physically. However, they were able to go on record as willing and wanting to do it, even though they couldn’t.

Of those who now were ready to do the thing they weren’t going to do till that day and were physically able to do it, 50% were restrained or otherwise prevented from doing it by their kin or medical staff. In one case, the restraint itself occasioned the party’s death.

Of those who now were ready to do the thing and able to do it as well, !00% did it, often to the discomfiture of their kin.

for the New, On-line, Unofficial Writers Guild

2 Responses

  1. Ha, Ha. That’s rich. I read it several times just to make sure I had it right.

    Thanks for playing

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