Tax Q&A #157

Q: I hear guys joking around about a man marrying his tractor but I got to wondering whether there might be some tax considerations there. (J. Smith)

A: In this state, the laws are not unfavorable to just such a conjunction, but there are a tangle of rules.

What color is your tractor? If you are white, you cannot marry a black tractor. If you are black, you shouldn’t have a white tractor at all. The case of red and green tractors is being adjudicated.

How is your tractor used? For example, does it plow, till, disk, harrow, and plant? These are righteous uses. Taking the kids to school or catting around town are not.

Where was your tractor made? Tractors made in South Korea or Saudi Arabia are ok. Tractors made in Viet Nam or Iraq are iffy. Tractors made in Russia, China, or Iran may cause the Government to ask you whether you are patriotic or not. You don’t want them asking that.

Do you have more than one tractor? You can only claim one. DO NOT mention the others.

Where does your tractor stay at night? Out in the barn or in your bedroom is ok. It should be home at night and for damn sure it should not be living on another farm.

For comparison purposes: A tractor will save you twice as much as a cow, three times as much as a sheep, and four times as much as a goat.

Hope this helps!

Laser scans uncover vast Mayan cities under Guatemalan jungles (AXIOS)

Airbnb, don’t bother going down. Our Airfnf subsidiary has locked up special agreements and arrangements with all the cities.

For the rest of you, come on down for the ultimate “Green” vacation.

Don’t speak Mayan? No worries. The folks in these cities speak a Mayan so old, the current Mayans in the area can’t understand them either.

Special considerations:

  • Bring a machete
  • Binge watch The Living Dead before coming
  • Skip The Lost City of Z. They got it all wrong. Charlie, go back to Sons of Anarchy where you belong
  • Wear a tinfoil hat to ward off the lasers from above
  • Beds are made of solid stone, for your health
  • Bring two machetes

No WiFi. Bring a satellite phone.

To use Uber, make the sign of the U. If the native turns his back, climb on.

To use Twitter, look for a native wearing a toucan headdress. Act out your message, with plenty of facial expressions and hand gestures. Point to the person to receive the message.

Please pay us in full before leaving home.

     (thank you)

The Squirrel Diet

You cannot keep the fat off unless you change your lifestyle in a sustainable way with regard to what you eat.

First rule of the squirrel diet: Tell no one you are on it! You’ll see why.

Second rule of the squirrel diet: Never go into a store to buy food.

That’s it. That’s all you need to know and do.

Naturally, you’ll want to eat vegetables. Look around the neighborhood. See any? You can eat nasturtiums. You can make rose-hip tea. The North Koreans harvest and eat grass.

Be cognizant of your neighbors feelings for their plants. Try to harvest unseen.

What about the core of your diet, protein?

Again, look around you. Rats and mice are good little food packets but they come out at night. If you make wine with “local” grapes, you may be out of the picture before the sun sets.

Squirrels are just about right. Note: use a small-caliber gun or the bullet will blow away most of the meat.

We sell the popular book “Squirrel on a Stick: 100 Great Squirrel Recipes.” Contact us for a copy.

Once you’ve settled in to your new life, you can expand your protein sources. Raccoons require a slightly larger bullet. Cats and dogs make good eatin but once again, remain cognizant of your neighbors’ feelings for their pets. Some even love them.

[More on squirrels]