Deep State

Our folks took us out to eat last night. We went to a pizza place that was supposed to be good.

The waitperson came over and said that the special was a deep-dish pizza.

“No deep-dish,” my dad said. “Just bring us the dish pizza.”

“But the deep…”

“No deep. We don’t hold with the deep.”

“You’re getting in too deep,” my mom whispered to him.

My dad doesn’t vote because he says that when you do, your vote sinks, sinks, sinks into the deep. My dad read a book written by Mickey Spillane called “The Deep.” It made an impression.

The Deep State is the worst. My dad takes it as a personal criticism.

“I’m not in a deep state,” he says. “The average elevation of Nebraska is 2,600 feet. Feet, not meters.”

“But dad,” my sister says, ” there are 3.28084 feet in a meter.”

“Who told you that?!”

“Dear,” my mom says, in a deep voice, “look deep into my eyes.”

“Oh my god,” my dad says. “I’ve peed.”

What Race Should My Sperm Donor Be? (CNN)

My first thought was to have that multi-child egg-planting procedure so I could have four or five or six babies of various races. I don’t want to get, you know, racial.

But then, why not just go mixed-race? One child, a real mongrel. What’s a better word for that? Cur? Half-breed? Mutt?

Just got my own DNA readout:

23% Abzhui

12% Sangtam

34% Kittian

18% Arbëreshë

13% Tai Lü

What? Did they just take my money and make up words? Look at me. Do I look Tai Lü to you?

So I described the kind of man I want. Big, you know? I told them, you know, I like it kind of rough. Then they told me that the man doesn’t, you know, literally do the deed. I won’t even be awake!

So I just gave them my rules:

  1. Don’t give me the cheapest or the most expensive. Cheap, you get what you pay for. Top of the line, you get lots of extras you don’t need. Give me the most economical (second cheapest).
  2. I buy fresh. No cans. No frozen.
  3. I’ll have what she had. The one driving that red beemer.
  4. I don’t mind drive-through.

Boy Saw His Socks and Knew It Was Bad

Long story short: His socks had his feet in them.

There is an old rule in joke writing: write the last line first. Dave Chappelle gives a clinic on this in one of his recent Netflix specials. He offers a somewhere shocking last line and then explains that he’ll work his way back to it, which he does.

So I’ve taken care of the hard part.

Fifty Shades of Teenage Gray

I’m grounded for the day because my boyfriend got me back home last night after midnight. My mom threw a fit. She does not understand what’s going on between Marcus and me and I am not going to try and explain it to her. I can’t even explain it to Marcus.

So now I’m here alone and I thought I’d count the shades we’ve got up in here:

18 lamp shades

11 window shades on the house’s sunny side

5 pairs of sunglasses

6 patches of shade under the shade trees

2 ghosts – Granny and Pop-Pop

3 more ghosts – the cats Fishy, Whiskers and Whiskers Junior

1 “shades of all the things I dream up to pass time!”

4 shades (Mom, Dad, my brother and me) (non-PC term but I’m black so I can use it)

…and what do you know, that’s 50 shades.

Netflix humor that makes me smile

Everybody’s different, but these shows work for me:

Dave Chappelle’s specials – I’ve watched many of the standup specials on Netflix. These days, for me, Chappelle is king.

Toast of London – Silly and addictive.

The Detectorists – The driest Brit humor. Could you find anything like this produced in the U.S.?

Big Mouth – The facts of life for tweens. Does it cross a line? Definitely out there on an industry frontier.

The Good Place – A good place.

Schitt$ Creek – Levy family legacy.

Dropping the Soap – Just to include an Amazon Prime entry…

Children’s Hospital – …and one to find on Adult Swim or at your local library. 5-minute episodes, 7 seasons.

Shows that I revisit regularly: Lady Dynamite, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Futurama (ageless), Archer, Bojack Horseman, Lovesick (formerly, yes, Scrotal Recall).

Netflix Gore Awards

Netflix has reached new heights this season in the gore department.

I’m no expert, but here are a number of likely candidates for nomination for the annual industry gore awards:

I, Zombie – Every episode includes at least one scene where the heroine eats the brains of a murder victim (to recover memories of the crime). Recipe suggestions are sometimes included. Oh to have been a fly on the wall when this series was pitched.

Santa Clarita Diet – Drew Barrymore, zombie, requires human flesh to persist. No problem. The Santa Clarita suburbs are thriving and her family fully supports her.

The Punisher – Each episode rougher than the one before. The serie’s first season culminates in a fight that wins my vote for most violent ever filmed.

Ash vs. Evil Dead – The writers begin planning each new episode by asking the question, “How can we top the gorefest we dreamed up for that last episode.” In Episode 202, they produce a scene that may never be equaled (available on YouTube; definitely NSFW).

Some shows that used to seem gory: Spartacus (Andy Whitfield,  RIP), Banshee, Game of Thrones, Dexter, True Blood, The Walking Dead.

Haven’t seen: Hemlock Grove, The Knick, Hannibal, American Horror Story, etc.

Other shows I should champion?