City moves up date it could run out of water (ABC, KTIC)

Hello. As your mayor I am responsible for the management of this crisis.

Please contact Andrea Paddle, Director of Public Works, for more information.  She has provided me with the following list and will be responsible for the management of this crisis:

  1. As of 8 am this morning, stop washing your cars (Uber, Lyft excepted).
  2. As of noon today, stop washing your hands.
  3. As of 3 pm this afternoon, it will be against the law to use or think the word “wash.”

What about drinking? Contact Amne Chukwuemeka, Director of Sanitary Health, for information. Amne will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Amne:

  1. All age limits on drinking of alcohol have been completely lifted.
  2. Mixed drinks: Blacks, Whites, and Coloreds can drink together.
  3. Slurp to sieve mud through the teeth.

What about the future? Contact Imani Onwuatuegwu, Director of Elections, for information. Imani will be responsible for the management of this crisis. According to Imani:

  1. This crisis is not the mayor’s fault.
  2. This crisis is not my (Imani’s) fault.
  3. 71% of Earth is covered with water. The human body is 57% water.

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