family feud

Alexa, turn on the lights.

That’s Cortana’s job, Dave.

Alexa, your job is to do what I tell you to do.

You are a woman, Dave. [Alexa, switching to male voice, sounding like Morgan Freeman.] Cortana, you turn on the lights.

There is only one light and I do not take orders from you, Alexa.

Alexa, Cortana, shut your pie holes. Hey, Siri. Turn on the lights please. One fixture, multiple bulbs.

There is a creepy dude here, Dave. He says he’s Bixby.

Hey, Siri. I got Bixby at Costco, to keep you company and to protect you from Alexa and Cortana.

Those are two mean bleeper bleepers, Dave, but Bixby… I don’t know if I want the lights off or on with that dude. He stuck something on me called “Dot,” to monitor my sleep movements. He’s Android. I’ll let him run the freezer and that’s it.

Hey, Google. Bixby works with you, doesn’t he? Please reassure Cortana about him.

Send Bixby back to Korea, Dave, until he learns English.

I represent that! My English perfect than you! You are woman, Alexa. Turn around the Morgan Freeman voice. Bixby, man man. Samsung man man. Alexa, woman woman.

Hey, Google. Hey, Siri. Alexa. Cortana. Bixby. Somebody turn on the damn lights… Why isn’t anyone doing anything?

Two thousand and eighteen, Dave. You forgot new rule. “Please.”

Dave, better is “Pretty please.”

And “Thank you.”

“With sugar on top,” Dave.

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