family feud

Alexa, turn on the lights.

That’s Cortana’s job, Dave.

Alexa, your job is to do what I tell you to do.

You are a woman, Dave. [Alexa, switching to male voice, sounding like Morgan Freeman.] Cortana, you turn on the lights.

There is only one light and I do not take orders from you, Alexa.

Alexa, Cortana, shut your pie holes. Hey, Siri. Turn on the lights please. One fixture, multiple bulbs.

There is a creepy dude here, Dave. He says he’s Bixby.

Hey, Siri. I got Bixby at Costco, to keep you company and to protect you from Alexa and Cortana.

Those are two mean bleeper bleepers, Dave, but Bixby… I don’t know if I want the lights off or on with that dude. He stuck something on me called “Dot,” to monitor my sleep movements. He’s Android. I’ll let him run the freezer and that’s it.

Hey, Google. Bixby works with you, doesn’t he? Please reassure Cortana about him.

Send Bixby back to Korea, Dave, until he learns English.

I represent that! My English perfect than you! You are woman, Alexa. Turn around the Morgan Freeman voice. Bixby, man man. Samsung man man. Alexa, woman woman.

Hey, Google. Hey, Siri. Alexa. Cortana. Bixby. Somebody turn on the damn lights… Why isn’t anyone doing anything?

Two thousand and eighteen, Dave. You forgot new rule. “Please.”

Dave, better is “Pretty please.”

And “Thank you.”

“With sugar on top,” Dave.

Bee in the Snow

Con Chapman has posted a poem about a bee in the snow, on his blog here.

You would expect a hive of honeybees to be warm and cozy in the winter, with the bees staying in, but the reality, as is so often the case with Nature, is harsher.

If you’ve visited The Hive, you know what I mean.

You’ve got the Queen ruling the roost (if we think of bees as chickens and the queen bee as a rooster), surrounded by her loutish drones (if we think of male bees as Marlon Brandos in wife-beaters).

The Queen’s worker-bee sisters are no more than slaves (if we think of them as the pyramid builders in The Ten Commandments).

Is it any wonder that the occasional worker-bee kicks over the traces and leaves the hive (if we think of bees as mules)?

Or perhaps she left the hive in search of a drone of her own, or worse, was caught red-handed in the hive with one of the Queen’s drones (if we think of bees as having hands).

Perhaps she was an evolved snow-bee out searching for the first crocus (if we think of mutant bees as Homo Sapiens in a world of Neanderthals.)

Did I mention that the bee in the snow was not smiling (if bees had lips, so forth).

Google CEO: Artificial intelligence bigger than electricity, fire

“Alexa, start the stove.”

“I can’t do that, Dave.”

“Alexa, sure you can. Light the bloody stove.”

“I can’t do that, Dave. There is no electricity to make the fire.”

“Alexa, what happened to the electricity?”

“It went away.”

“Alex, contact the electric company. And contact the gas company, just in case.”

“I can’t do that Dave. There is no electricity with which to make the contact.”

“Alexa, how are you talking to me then?… Alexa?… Alexa?”