Adopt an endangered pet

Do you love pets?

Do you love helping endangered animals?

Now’s your chance!

Absolutely free!

The International Sea Turtle Research  Institute will provide you with an endangered sea turtle at no cost (nine species available).

Choose your color. Choose your size. Choose your preferred pet disposition. Take home your turtle.

It’s just as easy as that.

Your children will have hours of fun playing with their new friend. (Be sure to dress the kids in shark-proof armor, as these turtles have beaks that can bend iron bars. When your turtle sees little Suzy come into the back yard with her daily bucket of live mackerel, she might not take the care she should while eating her breakfast.)

Make only one promise!

We ask only that you make one promise to the Institute (enforced by an ironclad contract, which includes severe penalties for non-compliance). In May, you will fish your turtle out of the 100,000-gallon stainless-steel sea tank that you’ve installed in your back yard and bring her to Costa Adeje in the Canary Islands.

There you will be rented a vessel that sleeps two, plus the turtle, and you will sail the vessel far out into the Sargasso Sea, where you will release your pet after turning on her tracking device and installing it beneath her tail. In that afterward region.

You will follow her for four months (please bring provisions to last, as you won’t be able to visit port during this time).

When your pet’s bio-monitor beeps, she has mated. Retrieve her (use the scuba gear that you bring) and sail back to Costa Adeje.

Now you’re free to return home with your pet and enjoy her for eight whole months before returning for your next-year breeding stint on the vasty Main.

Our Changing Planet

Lichens are composite organisms that contain algae, fungi,  cyanobacteria, and other microorganisms, all performing functions as partners in a self-contained miniature ecosystem.

Wow. These disparate life forms have learned to live together in ways and places where none of them alone could survive. They cooperate to cope with an evolving planet.

Can humans come to terms with their tribal DNA in ways that will allow them to also benefit from such cooperation with others – others who seem strange and possibly dangerous to us at first exposure – because they don’t look like us or behave exactly as we do?

Of course I am talking about our relationship with demodex folliculorum, otherwise known as the bugs living in your eyebrows. You aren’t  born with them, but you acquire them, or vice versa. Little guys with white pin-like mouths used for eating skin cells and sebum. They’re not picky about where they live, if you know what I mean.

Steps to keep up with a changing planet

  1. Stop fighting your infestation. You aren’t suffering from delusional parasitosis (the feeling of bugs crawling on or under your skin). They’re really there. Get over it.
  2. Stop taking so many showers. Don’t drown your bugs. If, for example, you move to a hot and humid rain forest, you’ll need those bugs to eat the other bugs that come to visit you under your netting.
  3. Share your bugs. Some lichens have lost the ability to reproduce in the usual ways, but bugs don’t have that problem. What is more synergistic than your bugs mating with your mate’s bugs at the same time that you mate with your mate?
  4. Consider a threesome. The more shared DNA, the more chances for evolution and an increased likelyhood that you can, for example, learn to live in a world that has grown, say, one thousand degrees hotter.

Shutdown!

We have one last day in the Verma/Wong household to pass a budget. Shutdown looms.

Once initiated, the shutdown will end only when a damned budget is agreed upon between Ms. Verma and Mr. Wong, with Mr. Wong and his boat and his poker nights taking it seriously for once!

Closures

Upstairs and downstairs baths, showers, and sinks will be shut off.

Toilets will be kept on for the first week of shutdown. Outhouse remodel should be complete by the second week. Sears catalogs are ready to be deployed in it.

Medications, medical equipment, and sanitary paper supplies will be limited to the first-aid kit and box of Kleenex in Ms. Verma’s Prius.

The TV and all iPads are locked in mom’s closet.

Actual, real books, with pages and covers, will remain available because apart from mom, who really cares?

Reduced Services

Pets will be fed. The children will be put out in the neighborhood to forage.

Infant nursing by Ms. Verma will no longer occur in public.

The house will be locked at night, although in Ms. Verna’s view there is no longer anything in it worth knicking.

No WiFi. This is the final post.

Budget Talks

Budget talks will follow the same protocols as those set for North Korea/South Korea talks. The Goldfarb house next door will be our DMZ. (Mr. Goldfarb will continue as Ms. Verma’s potential divorce lawyer. Ms. Goldfarb will cover it up around the house for once.)