Las Vegas Pageant: World’s Smallest Wild Cat

[Solosolo Saeeseese, reporting from Las Vegas for HuffPost]

The Finals

Last day of the Pageant! Who will win the coveted Queen’s Stole (sewn from pure mouseskin)? This being Vegas, the betting is fast and furious.

Our Judges

Mr. Pink – The Venetian

Mr. Green – Bellagio

Mr. Purple – Mandalay Bay

Our Finalists

देवदूत (Angel), a rusty-spotted cat (Prionailurus rubiginosus) from Maharashtra State, India

Iblis (Devil), a black-footed cat (Felis nigripes) from Guinea-Bissau, Africa

овереатер (Overeater),  a long-toed cat (Voraceios Felis) from the Šumadija region of Serbia

Athleticism

Angel seems passive.

Devil pounces on prey.

Overeater pounces on Mr. Purple.

Intelligence

Hard to judge Angel’s wit. She seems to be leaving the thing to karma.

Devil is cunning and atavistic. It ain’t pretty.

Overeater is the cat from another planet. All I can say.

Beauty

Angel is a beauty. Oohs and aahs.

Devil has the black feet.

Overeater… This is a plain brown cat with an odd shape. A real head-scratcher.

Demeanor

Angel is an angel. Her presence on YouTube in adorable-cat videos is overwhelming.

Devil, against the world.

As for Overeater, I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something powerfully unadorable about her.

Our Winner!

Overeater wins. Seems odd, as the animal did not prevail in any category. A lot of smart money came in on Overeater at the last minute. Mr. Green is suggesting I shut my yap.

Update

In a shocking turn of events, Overeater has been exposed as a northern short-tailed shrew (Blarina brevicauda), largest and only carnivorous member of the shrew family. Our judges went to strip Overeater of the Queen Stole, but she had already devoured it, as well as the other two finalists. Losing bettors are advised by Mr. Pink to pay up.