5 Guaranteed Weight-loss Services

Five plans available this month. These offers are limited!

  • All plans County-approved. Your taxes, parking tickets, and speed-trap violations help pay for your treatment.
  • Double refund if you are not satisfied!
  • No fat shaming! You are beautiful/handsome just the way you are. Perhaps you just want to drop a few sizes for bikini season, or squeeze into that old suit for a funeral (not yours, haha).
  • Our offices are located in that old warehouse that you thought was abandoned, down by the river on 238th Street.
  • Lose weight and we’ll treat your fat twin for free!

Notice: Each plan is implemented with loving attention. Weight loss is not easy! The path to good health is sometimes long, arduous, and risky. There are no fat people in the cemetery – at least not after they’ve been there awhile.


  1. LIPO MADNESS – Reach your target weight in one session. We will not stop until you are below your target weight, no matter what. This is our quickest, most efficient offering. Double refund is transferable.
  2. INCARCERATION NATION – You will not be released from County lockup until your target goal is reached. The County’s jailbird diet and outdoor work program will keep you right on track.
  3. KIDNAP KUBBY – We will release you when you have lost the weight you paid in advance to lose. You lose and we can’t lose.
  4. AGGRAVATION SENSATION – The County will rescind your ex’s restraining order until your weight goal is attained.
  5. SLEEPY BYE – We will remove the IV when you have slimmed down, as specified in your contract. You will have the option to buy the IV and medications for your own private use, after.

Call today. We’ll send a car (or flatbed, haha) over for you.

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