Asteroids Most Likely To Hit Earth (Salon)

You’ve seen the list?

I read somewhere that the government has named the most dangerous asteroids “El Salvador,” “Haiti,” and “Mexico,” plus a couple of others named for African countries. Proof yet again that Nature loves coincidences.

Between 37,000 and 78,000 tons of solar system debris hit Earth every year (not counting sandwich wrappers, soda cans, etc., tossed out of biplanes). If you ever wondered where the pharaohs got their ceremonial iron trinkets a millennium before the Iron Age, that iron was winkled out of meteorite detritus by court artisans.

Anyway, we just had a near miss and I believe that a hit is due in 35 minutes somewhere out in the Pacific. Think I read that.

What’s to be done? Can’t be allowed. Need to clean up the rogue asteroids. My neighborhood has a community… caucus or committee or something. Meets the first Monday of every month in the recreation room next to the pool in the El Nido apartment complex on Slappy Drive. I’ll bring this up.

What is “Fake” Fake News?

This is the most common question I get these days on the blog (dark-net edition).

What it’s not:

  • Fake fake news is not un-fake or non-fake or true news.
  • Fake fake news is not very fake or extremely fake or awesomely fake news.

What it is:

  • Fake fake news is written or spoken material for which an individual or organization is paid in good faith, with the understanding that the product is genuine fake news, which it isn’t.
  • Fake fake news can be true or false; it can be news or nothing new; it might further the goals of directed fake news or have no effect whatsoever. Who the hell knows!?
  • Fake fake news is produced to make a buck (which is taken directly out of the pocket of the honest fake-news writer) or for a larf. It may be plagiarized from any source (in several cases the Bible). It may be generated by a random-word app or typed by a roomful of monkeys – no, the monkeys would never do that.

Don’t read it. Don’t listen to it. Do not abide it.

And that’s the truth. Or honest fake news.

 

Hawaii Told To Fix Its Alert System (BBC Headline)

Shoutout to the BBC. Don’t know how you found out about my tweet to Hawaii, but thanks for backing me up.

Folks, the “I survived the Hawaii missle attack” t-shirts are now available in merch. Stock up!

My suggestions to Hawaii:

  1. Warn us of alerts in advance! By the time I got my fried-pineapple cart out on the street, half my potential customers were cowering up in the rain forest.
  2. Change the message! Instead of “Missile attack,” why not “Surf’s up”? Can you imagine the surge if the nuke went off just before it reached the shore?
  3. Include an action for the reader to take! Blame somebody! For example, “Missile attack in 35 minutes. Call your congressperson. Register to vote. Go outside and buy fried treats.”
  4. Fire somebody! Hire somebody better! Can I have the job? I’ll bring my cart.
  5. Widen the broadcast! I have a pickup with speakers on the back. I could drive around the city spouting off.

WELCOME, DACA!

Hello.

The island nation of Maripogua do welcome all DACA registrants, of whatsoever age, gender, ethnic heritage, or profession.

Come as you want. We pretend to have English as native language. No dollar needed as the cowrie is our dollar.

Bring no coats! Always warm. Warmer than before in fact. Only the thong will be needed. (Real thong, not Hollywood thong.)

Our president now is Arnold Schwarzenegger if he only going to say yes to we.

Note: Room here for all DACA, but Maripogua will sink below the wave too soon, thanks to US guy sent you here. Now we must find new nation who is generous like we, not like he.

5 Guaranteed Weight-loss Services

Five plans available this month. These offers are limited!

  • All plans County-approved. Your taxes, parking tickets, and speed-trap violations help pay for your treatment.
  • Double refund if you are not satisfied!
  • No fat shaming! You are beautiful/handsome just the way you are. Perhaps you just want to drop a few sizes for bikini season, or squeeze into that old suit for a funeral (not yours, haha).
  • Our offices are located in that old warehouse that you thought was abandoned, down by the river on 238th Street.
  • Lose weight and we’ll treat your fat twin for free!

Notice: Each plan is implemented with loving attention. Weight loss is not easy! The path to good health is sometimes long, arduous, and risky. There are no fat people in the cemetery – at least not after they’ve been there awhile.

**OUR PLANS**

  1. LIPO MADNESS – Reach your target weight in one session. We will not stop until you are below your target weight, no matter what. This is our quickest, most efficient offering. Double refund is transferable.
  2. INCARCERATION NATION – You will not be released from County lockup until your target goal is reached. The County’s jailbird diet and outdoor work program will keep you right on track.
  3. KIDNAP KUBBY – We will release you when you have lost the weight you paid in advance to lose. You lose and we can’t lose.
  4. AGGRAVATION SENSATION – The County will rescind your ex’s restraining order until your weight goal is attained.
  5. SLEEPY BYE – We will remove the IV when you have slimmed down, as specified in your contract. You will have the option to buy the IV and medications for your own private use, after.

Call today. We’ll send a car (or flatbed, haha) over for you.