How I Spent My 35 Minutes Waiting For The Missile

Full disclosure: I couldn’t remember how to spell missile.

Minutes 1-5:  How do I find out who to blame?

Minute 6: Who cares? If it’s my side, well, mistakes happen. If it’s the other side, they should all be locked up for getting us killed. And of course whoever owns the missile and fired it off, I guess they’re to blame too.

Minutes 7-11: Bigger issue. The constipation problem. I had a plan to take care of this but it involves several hours of intense concentration + the canned prunes I brang with me on vacation. Brung? How can I get blasted into eternity only half finished? Not with the prunes, but with the, you know, post-prunes. How am I supposed to concentrate?

Minutes 12-18: Tipped all the room cleaners on this floor. They weren’t allowed to stop changing the linen, in case the missile alert turned out to be a false alarm, or worse yet, caused by that other hotel, the one closer to the lagoon. Leilani was so cute: “What you doing so long ever day in that batroom, man?”

Minutes 19-24: Googled the plot for Miracle Mile (1988), which is basically the same thing happening here, only in L.A. Happy ending? Can’t remember! Runtime, 87 minutes. Damn!

Minutes 25-30: Looted the mini-bar. Rediculous prices! Shameful. Absurd. But now I won’t be paying for it. Sooooo bloated. I am paying for it.

Minutes 31-34: Just realized (things come clear when death is near) that this is the best possible time to meet chicks. Nine months from now, babies would be born, if we weren’t all dead.

Minute 35: Can’t quite get my swim trunks snapped shut…

Five Future Professions

In the future, machines – robots and otherwise – will do everything that needs doing. They’ll make everything, deliver everything, organize everything. Cater to our every need. Almost.

Humans, though, being human, will want to be useful, to matter, to work, to make a living. Herewith, the five most popular professions of the future, workers in which will all be available for you to hire when the Millennium arrives:

  1. Gofer – The drones will come and go, dropping off everything you need through the slots in your roof, but nothing beats leaning back and saying, “Hey, Bernie. Run down to the corner and buy me a pack of smokes, will ya?”
  2. Teacher – You’ll be able to learn anything you want from the learning machines, but that can’t match the warm feelings you’ll experience when the doorbell rings and Granny stands there with her knitting bag and spare needles. Or Uncle Pete, with a tool chest full of plungers, wrenches, and snakes.
  3. Wingperson – It’s the future. What do you know? You’ll need a bud to help figure it all out.
  4. What does this guy do? – You’ll see him or her around. Sometimes busy. Sometimes idle, likethe ones standing around the manhole (personnel access cover) in the street.
  5. Sex worker – Sure, there is the Orgazmatron. Androids for every taste. Endangered and extinct Animatronic beasts. But you need skin contact, not just rich Corinthian leather. The oldest profession will also be the final one.

What Would Jesus Do? #526

Dear WWJD, my daughter, who is only twelve, wants to wear a “training Wonder Bra.” These things are designed to accomplish one thing and one thing only and should definitely be banned and illegal. I told my daughter N O spells NO and now we aren’t speaking. How would Jesus handle this situation? #AngryWorriedMom

Dear AngryWorriedMom, in Jesus’ time, women wore an outer tunic over an inner tunic. The woman’s outer tunic was somewhat longer than the man’s (Isaiah 47:2; Jeremiah 13:2). Nothing was worn beneath the inner tunic (the coordinated bra-and-panties set had not yet been invented).

So we would need to explain to Jesus what the training Wonder Bra is. Also, we would need to explain to Him that a girl of twelve, these days, is not already married and starting a family. These days, attracting a husband has more to do with dress, makeup, and jewelry that with presenting a goodly dowry of sheep and goats.

Sadly, we would also have to make Jesus understand that today, the average tween girl  looks like a tart on the best of days.

Once He had learned all this, I believe, Jesus would seek out the factory where the training Wonder Bras are made and, growing wroth, would drive all the workers to without the structure (which is located in Shenzhen in Guangdong Province, China, 19.1 km from our Christ the Lord Christian Church, congregation 129, in that same city).

Cooking Snake Eggs

Warning: Never cook a snake egg if “Spawn” appears on the side of its container, or on the egg itself.

Most snake eggs are non-poisonous. Poisonous varieties have no specific identifying features.

Most snake eggs are emetic by nature. Failure to prepare them properly will cause them to come up quicker than they went down.

Never mix snake eggs with the eggs of frogs, toads, lizards, or rodents.

When cooking snake eggs, stir the bubbling mass with a monkwood spatula.

Use a lot of food coloring.

Cook until done. Keep cooking.

Not recommended for birthday parties for the young.

Confirm that the “snake” was not a worm.

Turn down flame if a hissing sound is heard.

Snakes do not got legs. Discard anything below the hips.

In the context of snake-egg cookery, “snake eyes” is not a good thing.

“Cultured” snake eggs aren’t really.

Marital tip: When arguing with your husband, shout “Snake!” and plop down a plate of snake eggs in front of him at the breakfast table.

Congressman Passes Bill on Floor of Senate

[Washington, D.C.]  While speaking on the floor of the Senate, Senator John Smoot (R-Wy) passed the bill of a merganser he had shot out of season. The bill had been “stuck in committee” for a week.