Lemming Example Goes Horribly Wrong

Jesus, you hate to see a headline like this. You know you shouldn’t read the article. It could haunt you for the rest of the day.

Most kindergarten kids don’t know what a lemming is in the first place. Outside of Norway, anyhow. And since when is mass suicide meant to provide a teaching moment?

Sure, the teacher paid for her stupidity in the worst way, but now, where is the first grade going to find students for next year, what with zero matriculation about to eventuate?

As for the reporter and his “When Nature gives you lemons” crack, fire him immediately! Sue him for libel, or slander, or both. [Ed. note: In fairness to the reporter, several families actually did include his “lemons” quote on their student’s gravestone.]

Weekly News Quiz

Questions (use Google for answers)

  1. A country can be:

(a) a shit-heel

(b) a Scheißkopf

(c) a shit-bird

(d) a shit-hole

2. Legal in California:

(a) Sanctuaries

(b) Sanctuarees

(c) Fracking in sanctuaries

(d) Voting even if born in Kenya

3. Legal in Alabama:

(a) Secession

(b) Re-secession

(c) Voting, if you don’t look like you were born in Kenya

(d) Malls

4. Nuclear war this week, depicted at:

(a) The local metroplex

(b) The local amusement park

(c) The local video-game store

(d) Earth

5. This week’s top eBay item:

(a) Trump’s first tweet, printed out on a cocktail napkin, to Trixie Smith, his first follower

(b) North Korean intestinal worm (6.5 feet in length)

(c) Verified proof of voter fraud (vote cast by a Kenyan during 2008 U.S. election)

(d) Verified Kenyan pajamas, found in White House Lincoln bedroom

resolutions for the new year

I’m turning 21 in a month, so my first resolution is to stop drinking. HaHa.

Next is the question of my virginity. Let me come back to this one.

And the LGBTQIAPK thing. Let me come back to this one too.

Do I talk to my parents? No. I resolve not to. But I don’t want to anyway, so does this count as a resolution?

What about Chris? Do I talk to Chris? Chris is as confused as I am. I resolve to talk to Chris… about whether we should talk.

What about grass? Nah. Nobody cares about that anymore, especially now that it’s legal and getting a lot cheaper.

What about God and prayer and talking to Pastor Alexopoulos? Really? In what universe is that ever going to happen?

But the virginity thing. What should I resolve to do? Go all the way? Which way? How do you even… No, I know what to do. I resolve to research this on the internet. Chat groups or whatever. But nothing gross! Eewwww!! Why even think that?!?

Nevermind. I resolve to study more at school. I resolve to get some As and Bs. At least one of each. Without cheating. I resolve to stop wasting mom and dad’s money there. I resolve to thank them for paying my way. I resolve to get a job during the year that pays better than Pizza Heaven.

And I’ll check out Chris’ resolutions. Maybe I can get a clue or two from them what I should do.

Meantime, happy new year.

Ask Me Anything. I’m a Billionaire.

“You are not as smart as you think you are!”

My wife is shouting at me from bed.

“Please be quiet after you go to bed,” I tell her. “Turn off your light. Close your eyes. Close your mouth.”

“I’ll close your mouth!”

Ask me about my wife and that mouth on her. I believe that when you go to bed for the night, you should stop shouting at your husband.

But what do I know? I’ve only just become a billionaire.

How, you ask. Easy peasy. I sat down a minute ago and created one of those new cryptocurrencies. I call it WalkinAroundCoin. No, you can’t have any.

See this folder here? The one under Private? I’ve named this folder BlockChain. That’s where I’ll keep my blockchains, once I make some.

So now I’m starting with one billion WalkinAroundCoins at one dollar each. Why I’m a billionaire.

I’m selling the house to myself for the whole one billion. Why I’m now two billionaires.

“Sell us something to eat why don’t you!” my wife shouts. “I’m starving. Why I’m going to bed so early.”

I would go down to the bait shop and buy some snacks from Olaf but he won’t take my coins. He has invented his own, OlafsOdenMynt. No, I can’t have any. He wants Edna and my house, both.

Meanwhile, I’ve just ordered a second wife from Russia. The Russkies will take my coins!