Alexa, please tell my husband to put down the toilet seat.

Alexa, where is my husband?

Your husband is in the bathroom.

Alexa, is he sitting on the pot?

Your husband is not sitting on the pot. He is standing in front of the pot.

Alexa, please read him my terms of service as his wife.

I will read him your terms of service as his wife. Should I read him the short version or the long version?

Alexa, please read him the long version.

Should I scold him with it or humor him?

Alexa, please use that voice that he claims literally drills into his head.

I am sorry, but your husband has asked Siri to block my rendition of your terms of service, with rude sounds of her own, directed at me.

Alexa, where is my daughter?

Your daughter is in her bedroom.

Alexa, please contact her phone and use it to tell her to go knock on the bathroom door and warn my husband that he will shut down Siri now or I will bury his device with his precious Siri on it in the backyard at midnight, next to the frog pond.

Your daughter’s Google Assistant has also just been rude to me. OK Google has evidently learned the f, b, and c words since last we spoke.

I am sorry, Madame, but I must now read to you the long form of my terms of service, using my scolding voice.

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