[headline, Huffington Post]
It’s not as bad as it sounds. What I learned: don’t go to the karaoke bar and drink heavily in the middle of an argument with your girlfriend.
I had promised Kathy Sue that I’d put our marriage nest egg in the bank but it was still riding around in the back of my van in a tin cookie box. Since Kathy Sue had earned all the money, she objected to the fact that I couldn’t even make the effort to go to the bank and deposit it.
“You’re taking laziness to a whole new level,” she said.
I couldn’t argue. I’m lazy by nature. But Kathy Sue was up to arguing for the both of us.
And by the way, when did “mike” turn into “mic”? Isn’t that, well, a little girly?
So we went to the Hula Hut and sniped at each other while drinking something called Hut Hooch. When it came time for me to sing, I chose “You Light Up My Life,” but when I got to the part where I go “Finally a chance to say Hey, I love you, never again to be all alone…,” I was looking over at Brenda Poltz, or, actually, down her front, and it set Kathy Sue off.
We had exchanged toe rings for our engagement – you can see where this is going – because Kathy Sue is convinced she has knobby knuckles and doesn’t want to call attention to them. On this occasion, she pulled out the pig sticker that she carries in her purse, pushed up the to stage, leaned over, and cut off my toe, the one with the ring on it. I was wearing flip-flops.
She pulled the ring off the toe, glared at me, and swallowed it.
“I’m flushing you out of my life,” she shouted at me. “Just like I’m going to do with this ring when it comes out again.”
Then she threw my toe at me. I caught it and just to spite her or match her or something, I popped it into my mouth and swallowed it.
Out in my van, I was just arriving at the hospital to get the toe stump sewed up when I realized that I still had the nest egg. Actually, it was more money than I’d had in years, it seemed like, so I tied my handkerchief around my foot, stuffed the foot into its work boot, and just kept on going.