Protester Nails Testicles To Red Square Cobblestone

Screw or nail? The perennial – or perineumal – question.
Are screws ever better than nails when working with cobblestones? Say you used screws instead of nails to secure the scrotum, whereas those in the protest or torture or crucifixion business specifically called for nails. Would the result be inferior? Could it fail inspection if your neopagan coven high priestess graded your work? Would nails absolutely be preferable in this instance? Are there any rules of thumb, or other parts, about when to use screws vs. nails?

Well, a screw is a superior fastener over a nail (it has far superior tensile strength), especially if you’re talking about screwing down a major body part. However, there are scenarios where a nail is the proper fastener, as for a nose or ear or other fleshy protuberance or appendage (attaching a hand to a foot for example—screws are brittle and will fail when subjected to the forces of a shear-loaded application).

So, you should use nails to attach the scrotum to the cobblestones but use screws to fasten down the penis itself.

Your normal wood screws are not useful here. Sports surgeons, when screwing plates to bones and so forth, never use wood screws. Standard screws are brittle. If you take a normal screw and drive it part way in and whack it with a hammer, it will snap. If you do this with a nail, the nail will bend. Which would you rather have holding your scrotum down? Something that bends but stays intact or something that can snap? On the other hand, if you miss the nail with the hammer, you could squash a testicle.

I mostly use screws to temporarily hold a body part in place while I nail it down. However, on one protest I used a ton of structural screws. A couple of times a head would snap off when I was driving it in, and three of them snapped when a small circular saw I was using on my toes hit a brick. While undoubtedly considerably stronger than normal screws, this leads me to question their shear resistance.

By the way, hex bolts and lag bolts also work well on those scrota with excess skin in the sack. Structural screws are just easier than bolting and cooler than nailing. I love using them, but they can’t (and shouldn’t) completely replace traditional fasteners.

A few more thoughts. Screws can be easily removed. You never know when you’ll need to get up and go to the bathroom. Removing nails may lead to damaging your genitals. Screws are much easier to control. Whether using a hammer or nail gun, exact placement of a nail is almost impossible, especially if you’re overweight or working on the bottom of the sack.

Important point: screws will not pull down a ball sack nearly as tightly as a nail will. If you have a twisted sack or a sack with lumps, a screw is pretty much useless.

Screwing down the scrotum also creates large holes for water to soak into and rot the balls much faster. Using a 3-inch galvanized nail and nailing it flush will pull the skin tighter versus sinking through the tissue. The sack will last longer (same concept as pinning back your ears).And last but not least, come on guys, a nail looks better.

Screws also tend to be slightly thicker than nails (because of the threads) so you would probably want to watch out for splitting of the skin and might want to drill pilot holes if you switch to screws.

Finally, not to lower the tenor of the conversation, but rather to lighten the mood, let me remind you that you use your male genitalia to screw with… but also to nail a woman with. The debate continues!

I’ll post the pictures for this DIY project on Instagram.

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