Text Mistext

[texting the wrong person]

Stalker

– ive got a stalker!

– omg no way

– way facebook twitter texting

– did you reply

– no. b/c 2 creepy

– how creepy

– u know. hes interest. how about a drink and a movie

– whoa

– u know i am a little interest

– careful

– id like a date 4 once

– me too. but some stranger?

– he sent pic

– yeah if real. good looking?

– course. still. no way

– yeah

– still. BEG

– yeah me 2 i guess

–  how about it? dinner and a movie?

Vet

– Doctor, I’m worried about my schnauzer.

– What?

– There is hair loss and the skin underneath is red.

– Itching?

– There is some scratching.

– First, try shaving it.

– Shaving it? Won’t that look funny?

– I see it all the time. I’ll prescribe a cream.

– OK. Any special instructions with the cream?

– Twice a day liberally and stay off bicycles.

– What? Is this Dr. Jones, my vet?

– No, this is Dr. Smith, your ob/gyn.

Help from Mom

 – its just not working. i need your help

– i can help

– last night everything was going fine. it was working last night

– ok

– but this morning i started to get some static. it started ok but then it started to get really really weird.

– ok. how?

– you do one thing you expect a certain thing back u know?

– yes. what did you expect and what did you get?

– i didnt expect to have my hands tied

– you mean you couldnt fix?

– fix? my hands were tied

– so what did you try?

– try? my hands were tied

– how long have you had this problem?

– what? a weird problem like this? its like totally new.

– many folks have their hands tied many times and find statis when seeking help.

– mom r u nutz?

– mom? this is technical support in india. thank you for calling. go red socks.

Suicide Hotline

– im desperate. may do something crazy.

– talk to me

– may do something i regret. everything going wrong

– tell me about it

– im lonely so lonely. then i meet a guy

– and? 

– he seems  nice. we talk. i tell troubles.

– and?

– he just wants my body. making me crazy. to end it all.

– why u think the guys behave this way?

– they seem me you know they see how i look my body and they assume

– they see your body and they assume you want physical relationship

– yes. i am so tired. may just take pills end it

– no wait wait. don’t think this. all guys not same. you can have good life.

– you think so? there is hope?

– yes yes there is hope

– but how can i meet this guy

– i am the guy. dont worry just because i sell enlargement treatment to guys. we meet i show good time. please send picture for my look at your body.

Medical Report

– Mr. Jones?
– Yes
– I have your results.
– Thank you
– Apparently you have had relations with at least three different persons.
– Three diseases?
– Yes, with genetic markers indicating two women and a man, one old, one young, one very young. Different races.
– Catching?
– very. Avoid further relations before cure.
– If the diseases are passed on?
– First there will be itching. Then, a rash. Then, madness. Nose and eyeballs will drop off. After that it gets really bad.
– I’ll warn him.
– Wait, what? Who is this?
– The ex Mrs. Jones. What can you recommend for itching?

Bank Withdrawal

– I’m ready to make that withdrawal.
– OK.
– You ready?
– I am ready.
– In place?
– I am in place for withdrawals.
– I will walk in, get the money, walk out. It will be quick.
– Yes. Very quick.
– I hope to get a lot.
– As much as you want and need.
– I need it all ha ha.
– It is all available for withdrawal, Sir. Your complete account if you wish.
– My account, your account, all the accounts, ha ha. Here I go!
– Sir? This texting has disturbed our bank security for some reason. They will be speaking to you.

Emergency Travel Agent Contact

– Linda, I did not sign up for crocodile adventure.
– No need sign up
– No, I mean I don’t want this adventure.
– No refund
– OK, no refund, just get me out of here.
– Tour last four hour
– Linda, call the tour guide and tell him this is a big mistake.
– No mistake! Have fun!
– Linda, what is wrong with you? They are trying to get me on a croc. It’s madness.
– Croc no mad. Croc happy.
– Linda, do something before it’s too late.
– Me no Linda. Me BanJoo. Better put down phone. Need hand hold on. Croc like eat hand.

Pop Quiz

– The current size of the universe is explained in part by positing an inflationary period during expansion.
– True
– The universe is flat.
– False
– In one trillion years, only our galaxy and Andromeda will be visible to us.
– False
– 100 billion galaxies are visible from Earth.
– False
– Dark energy far outweighs dark matter in the universe.
– True
– We understand dark matter but not dark energy.
– False
– How did I do?
– How did you do? I answered the questions. How did I do?
– You answered? Clyde, it’s you, not Professor Smith? Those were my answers to the handout quiz questions, moron. It wasn’t a true/false quiz.
– You are an idiot. True or false? True.
– Oh yeah? Well all your falses but one were true. And that last true was false.moron. It wasn’t true/false.
– You are an idiot. True or false? True.
– Oh yeah? Well all your falses but one were true. And that last true was false.

Hot Date

– im totally lost

– i can help. where are you?

– on something called patterson street in front of an old white house with a picket fence

– ok. go straight ahead to the next intersection and turn left.

– ok… ok im turned

– keep going up and over the hill. GYPO.

– ok… ok im over the hill. sorry its so late. Be there AEAP

– not a problem. turn right at the blue post office box.

– its looking familiar. but ive never been to your house janie

– keep going.

– its… its… aw mom. i come for a visit and finally get a date with janie and you do this to me?

– she’s all wrong for you son. come in and i’ll give you milk and coookies.

Greetings from Space Lab

– Hi, Honey. Texting from space. Pretty cool, huh?

– $^&^ $%&  ^(*&

– What was that? Got a little garbled.

– @$%  #$%^  $%&^*#@%&$#

– Sorry. Try once more.

– @#$  Greetings Earthling

– Ha ha. Tad is that you? You should be in school.

– $#^#  There will be no school  @#$@%

– No school today? What is it, a holiday? Gosh it’s good to hear your text.

– @#$%  Earth will become holiday place for @#$@ race

– You were in a race? How did you do? Did you win?

– #@$@^@ We will win

– Great! Kiss your mom for me.

– @#$@% There will be no kisses. There will be no lips  #$#@

– Ha ha. Don’t worry son. You’ll be interested in girls soon enough.

– #@#$%^ yes we will keep some of the girls. the babes only.

-Tad, what kind of talk is that?

– @#$%@  All of your base belong to us  @#$%!$

– Ha ha. Well, so long, Son.

Imaginary Friend

– I shouldn’t be talking to you.

– Why not?

– My shrink says you’re not real.

– Well, you knew that already.

– He says it’s a bad habit.

– Maybe this isn’t me you’re texting.

– Oh, it’s you. I know it’s you.

– Well, if it’s me and I’m imaginary, how am I typing these messages?

– WTF?

– Riddle me that.

– Who is this? Dr. Klienermann? What have you done with my imaginary friend? What have you done with Lloyd?

– I’m just messing with you. I’m Lloyd.

– How can you text me? You aren’t real.

– Maybe your phone isn’t real. Maybe you aren’t real.

– Maybe the next check I send you won’t be real, Klienermann.

Confession

– Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

– Sinned?

– I feel the need to confess.

– Well… confess what?

– First of all, I’ve had impure thoughts.

– Impure… Listen, don’t worry about that. That’s normal. You’re a teenager.

– Second of all, I sort of cheated on a test at school.

– Cheated how?

– I sort of looked over on my buddy’s paper and sort of copied some of his answers.

–  Don’t worry about it. Everybody does that once in a while. You’re a bright kid. Your buddies have probably copied off of you plenty. Anything else?

– Yeah. I was texting like this and I sort of dinged up the front of the car. I worried about taking it home.

– You what! How many times have I warned you about that, Son! It’s coming right out of your allowance! You’re spending the weekend pulling crabgrass!

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