5 Foods You Should Never Eat Again

[Headline, Huffington Post]

1. That big kid’s candy. What were you thinking? He was bound to find out who did it. Was it worth it? You can answer me when they take the wire off your jaw.

2. Whatever it was that gave you food poisoning that time.

3. Rice and beans on a first date.

4. What got you fat.

5. If you have high cholesterol, anything for which you must lick your fingers.

4 Responses

  1. Red meat is fine…if you like a rancid chunk of animal flesh moldering in your colon for three or four…or possibly more…days. Gave it up three years ago; my cholesterol problem DISAPPEARED. Previous HDL/LDL numbers looked like SAT scores. Cut out the red meat and now my numbers are too LOW! Also: don’t eat anything that still smells like a barnyard. If you’ve ever eaten tripe, you know what I’m talking about. I give my tripe to kids on Halloween so, at least, it doesn’t go to waste…or waist, for that matter.

  2. Five foods not to eat in the first place.

    1. Anything that can eat you and is alive. [e.g., fire ants, piranhas swimming around you as you do a lap or two of the Amazon River or the nearest Amazon book store.]

    2. Anything you are saving to eat so you won’t reveal state secrets while being tortured. [i.e., a cyanide capsule installed into a hollowed out tooth.]

    3. Anything you have already eaten and is already eating you. [i.e., a tapeworm.]

    4. A pill that makes you bigger or a pill that makes you smaller. [Especially if prescribed by someone named Alice or someone named Grace.]

    5. Any substances used to demonstrate what happens when you mix a base and an acid for a high school chemistry class.

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