Police Thwart Scheme To Steal Glacier Ice For High-End Ice Cubes

[Headline, Huffington Post]

The ice poachers did not get busted for their cube thefts, not per se. Some guy put in an order for a mammoth frozen in a big block of ice. Pretty cool, but when the glacier owners came out in the morning and found their mammoth gone, they flipped out. Lay in wait near their frozen sabertooth and when the poachers came back, powie.

The poachers were also hurt by the recent goldfish-in-a-cube craze. Their glacier ice offers a selection of lungfish, mountain crappie, and gar, but no species with that cocktail-gold glitter of the carp.

These enterprising vendors were also dispirited to learn that consumers were melting their ice and refreezing it in custom cube dimensions. Of course, this frees the prehistoric gases from the ice and spoils its taste. Our culture: sans culture. Why not use a dixie cup to scoop up agua from the toilet bowl?

Glacier cubes are still available. They come from Chinese (Tibetan, for the democratic purists) glaciers. One million workers imported from Heilongjiang Province work with tiny chisels. This crew represents the largest collection of iced-tea drinkers on the planet, yet ironically, they are not allowed to use the glacier ice in front of them. It’s like all those workers assembling iPhones, whilst using cans and string to communicate within the factory itself.

Once you’ve obtained your prehistoric cubes from the glaciers of the rich and famous, what are you going to drop them into? Swill? Of course not. Find a limo – not a rental, but a rich guy’s ride. Wait till the chauffeur turns his back and then sneak in and swipe whatever drinks you find. That’s what I do.

If your spouse or special friend is choking on one of these cubes: perform the heimlich, scoop up the cube, and get it back into the freezer as soon as possible. They’re expensive!

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