To: CEO John Smith
Subject: Breakthrough product
Sir. This is to inform you that our research team has created a product that will benefit humanity in countless ways. We’re dubbing the product “Cheeriat,” our new super-effective poison. At a glance, you might mistake a bowl of Cheeriat as some new breakfast cereal. Not so. One bowl of Cheeriat, distributed lightly (very lightly) over 1000 hectares of cultivated land, will kill every pest present, on the surface and into the soil to a depth of several feet, as well as in the air above. All life down to bacterial level and smaller is affected.
As an initial corporate step, we’ll be changing our SIC (Standard Industrial Classification Code) for the product from that for Nutrition to that for Eradication.
The original target area for sales, India, has seen such a rapid population inversion in recent weeks as to cause us to shift our sales focus to China.
Bunker Buster with Toxic Waste Payload
To: CEO Robert Smith
This memo will inform you of a seriously tremendous new product devised by the brilliant minds over in the Avionics (and now also Ordanance) Division.This is our new Toxic Waste Piloted Bunker Buster (TWPBB). Governmental customers will purchase this flying bomb, fill it with pernicious waste, the proper disposal of which has been plaguing them, to a capacity equal to, say, three hundred passengers and their luggage, plus some U.S. Mail and Christmas packages, and will fly the vessel, or craft, or missle, off over the ocean to the intended target, where its engines can be counted on to fail, such that the craft, or missle, will auger into the soil of the enemy.
The benefits that will accrue from a focus on this product include the elimination of any indemnity on this corporation’s part for situations in which the product falls from the sky prematurely, as our guarantee will extend only to operation over water and enemy territory, and at distances significantly less than those to the nearest airport.
Medical Training Materials
Memo to Corporate Executive Staff
Gentlemen. This is to inform you that we have launched a new medical equipment sales program to great success. This involves marketing our new anatomically correct Betty dolls to medical schools for their use in student courses and lab work. We’ve reimagined our sales strategy for this lifelike product after extensive test marketing and focus groups using Cub Scout packs and police organizations around the country. Our magalogs now feature “Aleesha,” “Gretl,” and “Lupe” models as well as the beloved Betty.
What this means in terms of Safety Stock (Buffer Stock): the company can accept orders from every medical school in the country and still have inventory to spare. The Just In Time model does not apply to items that, according to our division “intrapreneurs,” will continue to multiply on our shelves until we manage to make our China manufacturers cease and desist, almost as if each unit was so anatomically correct that she was having babies of her own.
To: Executive Distribution
This is to inform you that lead management of the United Building Erection Team (UBET) (that is, myself) has determined that in the current economic climate, we can best move forward by focusing on fixed-cost projects with Free On Board (FOB) terms set to cater to existing conditions. Therefore, we propose that, rather than continuing to build a 110-story office building, we instead sell, perhaps by auction, the required materials for such a project, as recycled metal, concrete, glass, desks, chairs, potted plants, etc., etc., all available in a great huge pile at our original construction site.
The company can issue Negative Certificates of Origin for all material sold. We have employed uncovered, or “naked” debentures at an excellent rate to acquire recovery equipment. The current corporate sympathy for environmental issues should allow us to make a very pretty penny on what some might call a “gianormous junkpile of failure.”
Regarding any former customers who might seek redress after somehow finding their way out of our recycle inventory, damage litigation is in place, with details available to you on the UBET dark net. Data regarding such customers will be blocked from the Deep, or Invisible, Web.
Random Number Generator
Memo to the President:
Sir. They say that it is impossible to develop a true random-number generator. We in the Tracking-Device Division (TDD) beg to differ. This is to announce our (my) development of a true such generator. This will be marketed to casinos and to the U.S. Department of State.
The device has been tested repeatedly, extensively, and the results never vary. For example, install the device in an automobile. Enter a request for your current GPS coordinates and the coordinates of a destination, as well as the best route from point A to point B. You will be returned values for any two possible points on the globe, and sometimes not even on the globe. Your route between these two points is apt to be, literally, anything.
The generator provides added value to any such device that the customer bought from us before; almost everyone needs a random number generator at some point. A booklet is included instructing the owner in the use of the device when running a gambling establishment. It will completely replace their current wagering bloatware.
Memo – For immediate distribution to top staff
Attention. We (I) are (am) writing to notify top staff that our new marketing initiative is about to commence. Be aware that this campaign is strictly on the Off-Balance Sheet (OBS) for the duration. We are rebadging and rebooting our “clear products” line with a thrust toward municipal governments.
Note that we’re pitching ClearAll as the perfect agent for stripping paint, grease, and urban grime from concrete, brick, and sheet metal. Spray on the mist from our environmentally sensitive can picturing a waterfall, green ferns, and a smiling woman (Caucasian), and if you were a wall, the spray would feel cool and refreshing on your face, and would seem to help clear up your acne and blemishes with amazing rapidity. But as soon as full sunlight outside would fall upon that face or wall, the cleaning nature of our new creation would be activated! It foams up and eats away anything and everything beneath it, right down to anything as hard as face bones, say!
We will expect profits reciprocal to our accrual-date investment and will market through adjunct agents. After a boomlet based on bottom-fishing amongst underfunded government agencies, we’ll issue commercial paper to accelerate growth and form a consortium of interested acid manufacturers.
Report from the Machine Room
Memo. For immediate distribution to Governance Action Group (GAG)
Sirs and Madame. I am delighted to inform you that under my management, the Unified Rotor Processor (URP) has arrived at Stage 4.56. The flanges protecting the five-part fan clutch are bolted on.The bearing-splitters arrived from China and were acquired at an exceptional price. The ball and butterfly valves are operational.
Returning for a moment to those flanges: the gray iron sand-casted flanges could never have been expected to meet our rigorous standards. Reports that they were employed may be ignored.
The prototype has been rolled into Bay 49, prior to its upgrade to 4.57. This will occur at 15:30.
Returning for a moment to those flanges: any flange coupling adapters must be high strength ductile iron, fluoropolymer coated. Reports that the coating was a fluorononpolymer knockoff may be ignored. No well-informed process director would allow this. Reports to the contrary may be ignored.
Ignition will commence at 15:35. Unlike in the case of version 4.55, interested parties will not be required shielding in the observation bunker (subject to change).
Returning for a moment to those flanges: the Model 920 Omni Bolt flange with tee-bolts and 921 flange lock will not interfere with the processor gears, preventing them from turning. Reports that in versions 0.1 to 4.55, the gears would not turn may be ignored. At 15:35 this evening, the gears will turn. That is, that are expected to turn.
Walk-In Psychiatric Clinic Program
Memo to: the Board of Directors
Gentlemen, let me again thank you for this assignment. Starting up a nationwide network of walk-in clinics for the mentally ill has been a task guaranteed to drive anyone crazy (joke); I have accepted this challenge with open arms, or brain, and I am delighted to report to you that my efforts have met with resounding, perhaps incredible, success.
I assume that you have all ignored anything that you might have read in the elitist press. Irresponsible use of terms like “maniacs loose in our neighborhoods” and “clinics that repeatedly turn neurotics into psychopathic killers” should be repudiated with the full force of the law, and I am leaving that little chore up to our company’s legal department.
Now let me get to the good news. We have literally saved a fortune by sticking to our initial hiring practices: no high-priced eggheads from universities and medical schools. No bleeding-heart grief and marriage counselors. No one expecting a living wage. We are truly the “tough love” healers in our nation’s malls, at least vis a vis our staff.
I will not require my bodyguards for much longer. I don’t trust them anyway, them and their “shoot to kill” orders. I just need to root out those in the company who want to kill me. I don’t think for a minute that any of you on the Board are among them. I did feel that I was being followed last night and I remember that you, Mr. Smith, seemed to be staring at me strangely when you found me peeking in your window, but I’ll let that pass. If matters get bad enough, well, I’m armed to the teeth and ready to go down fighting. I won’t wait to be attacked.
To: Vice Presidents and above
Gentlemen. When I accepted this position, I told you all that the sky was the limit. It turns out that I was right. “Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?” What’s in that glass? Sky? No! Our product!
I told you that nothing could stop us but our spirit if it flagged; look out at our flag. Is it flapping or have the heavy rains caused it to hang limply?
“I believe in the dignity of labor, whether with head or hand; that the world owes no man a living but that it owes every man an opportunity to make a living.” Isn’t that what we’re doing? Making a living? Then why the lawsuits, you ask. Because lawyers also have to make a living.
I told you that the only thing that could hold back the engine of this company was the collective feet of lazy and unproductive workers on the brake peddle of the assembly line. It’s not about shoddy products that make money but kill people; it’s about profit and loss. Forget that and you forget that you’re in this to make a buck.
“No one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or ‘get rich’ in business by being a conformist.” This is way regulatory agencies are so harmful and why it makes sense to ignore their rules and directives. You aren’t babies anymore, obeying your momma because “she said so.” Instead, your profits are flowing directly into offshore, tax-free accounts, not all of them mine.
“Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune or temporary defeat.” Remember that when you hire my successor. Trust him like you’ve trusted me, especially if he’s my son.
To: Board of Directors
I have been asked to report on the current status of Project Eruption.
First: Ignore all previous reports.
Second: Ignore all unauthorized reports, fabrications from disaffected employees and ex-employees, rumors, slander, libel, and any media publications that you may have read, heard, or watched.
Third: “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” Our goal is to maim, crush, and then slaughter our competitors. That includes any weak sisters within our own company. (Which reminds me. You still need to fill the vacancy on the Board caused by the loss of Chauncey Mousely.)
Now: Accrual in our amalgamated aggregates is on schedule. Abrams’ Law is in effect. We have fully implemented the Agile development method. At our next beanfeast, we’ll introduce the latest benefits realization statistics. Our capitalization issue of capped-rate carbon credits resulted in deleveraged disbursements. The Easterlin Paradox has resulted in an earn-out of fallen angels at the equilibrium price. Fiduciary considerations regarding finite capacity scheduling pins down capital flight with fractional ownership. We’re garnering our gazumped vendors. We’re glamped out around those competitors that have gone to the wall, especially the googlewhacked. Meanwhile, our customers are heatseekers. It doesn’t bother them that we indemnify nothing. Our indirect materials are intangible assets. We’re maintaining an island position with our ads; customers experience internesia when trying to track our support propositions. We have mole at Jasdaq; our knocking copy in that market masquerades as kaizen. It’s the Law of One Price all over again: we’re putting out lifeboats with major strings attached. These are not litotes! I acted when we hit a market-clearing price.
What I’m saying here is that at this point, I own the company.