Whoa! A Sheer, Tassel-Covered Dress?

[Headline in the Huffington Post]

A lady down the block wore a dress with two tassels on the front when I was a kid. It was the start of my interest. I thought that there was a tassellated woodpecker; it was why I liked birds. But there wasn’t. Tessellated darter, tessellated moray, tessellated cheese, tessellated fundus. No good. I’m not interested in tesssels.

When my wife was planning the wedding was when she learned of my particular interest. I can be quite demanding and fussy and precise on the subject. Not just about tassels on the bridal gown, but on the underthings as well. There is a honeymoon, isn’t there?!?

If you bend over, the tassels hang out under you. See, they don’t change position; they were hanging down before and they’re still hanging down, only now you’re bending over. In the same way, if you bend to the right, the tassels sway to the left. No they don’t, though. They just keep hanging down; you’re bended, not them. You can learn from tassels. That’s how they do.

Get yourself some tassel earrings, a tassel necklace, some tassel Uggs. You are sending a message, making a statement: don’t tread on me! Question: How is a tassel like a snake? Answer: If you step on your shoe tassel, your shoe is upside down.

There is a tassel fern. If you come over, you’ll see a house full of them.

2 Responses

  1. Whenever I see a tassel, I have an uncontrollable urge to pull it…one of the more peculiar line-items on my sizable criminal record. So, yes, tassel obsession can get you in trouble. I think you should explore the subject of tassels further; I’ve yet to see a definitive study, especially of N-tessellation. BTW, tassels also hang when you are upside-down. But they don’t necessarily hang in zero gravity where they are a lot more fun. Personally, I think they should be banned, if only to prevent me from pulling them off of women’s dresses whenever I see them.

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