Amy

Day 1

“One-Celled Pets, Inc.”

“Hello. I wanna buy one of them new Ally pets.”

“Amy the Amoeba? Yes, Sir.”

“It’s for my daughter’s birthday. Is it safe? You read all this stuff in the papers.”

“First of all, it’s great that somebody is still reading the papers. Second of all, this is the only state in the union with no speed limit. The only state where you can carry a gun without a permit. The only state where you can get married at fourteen without your parents permission. And, last but not least, this is the only state where you can buy Amy the Amoeba. So no, Amy is not safe. But neither is a derned chainsaw. You’ve got to follow the instructions. Understand?”

“I can follow instructions, most of the time.”

“Fine, then. I think you’ll love her, and your daughter will, too. Do you have homeowner’s insurance?”

“Sure. I mean, I guess so.”

“The law requires that to take delivery of this pet, you’ve got to have insurance and it can’t have any riders on it limiting benefits in case of the presence of primitive life forms. Have you got that covered, Sir?”

“Sure. I mean, my daughter has her heart set on this thing. Her birthday party is on Sunday.”

“Naturally I’ll take your word on the insurance. We’ll have Amy there by Sunday, gift-wrapped.”

Day 5

“Welcome to Pet World. Can I help you, Sir?”

“Yeah. Do you sell pet food for those amoebas? My daughter’s got one and we’re already out of the stuff the company sent with it.”

“We do have amoeba food. It comes in these ten-pound bags. Be sure to use as directed.”

“Lord, there’s a lot of writing on this bag. Why does it have to be so complicated?”

“Because you need to inhibit growth and cell division in your pet, while at the same time providing necessary nutrients. Your amoeba will live forever if you treat it right. Check out our amoeba toys over here. Look at this colorful rubber paramecium.”

Day 10

“Can I help you, Sir?”

“Yes, Doctor. I’ve brought in my daughter’s pet, Amy. Do you treat amoebas?”

“I sure do, as long as they’re bigger than a bullfrog. Let’s get her out of that carrier and onto the table, and have a look at her… Whoa… She’s a big one! Have you been following your instructions for her care and feeding?”

“Sure.”

“Let’s see. Amoebas are great because their skin is transparent… Is that buckshot in there? And a pit bull?”

“Yessir. My neighbor tried to assassinate her.”

“When you bought Amy, didn’t you sign an agreement that you would strictly limit her diet, and her access to other pets and to wild animals?”

“Well, yeah. But my daughter wanted to take care of that.”

“How old is your daughter?”

“Six.”

“Mercy.”

“Amy was out in the back yard. We had no idea she could just ooze through a knothole in the fence like that.”

“Please do not let Amy go around eating pit bulls, Mr. Pittney. She is going to grow a lot larger now. Then she’s going to divide herself in two. Are you prepared to take proper care of two very large amoebas?”

“No way Jose!”

“Then bring in one of them to be put down. Do not try to do it yourself.”

“What’s that going to run me?”

“Several hundred dollars.”

“Geez. Can’t I just back the car over the thing, or something like that?”

“If you want the do-gooders demonstrating on your front lawn, and if you have an amoeba more docile than most. From the look of this one, I wouldn’t try anything fishy. Just bring the extra one in here. It’ll be worth it.”

“How will I know which one is Amy?”

“They’ll both be Amy. It doesn’t matter which one you bring in.”

Day 15

“Animal control. Can I help you?”

“I’ve got six or eight of those big amoebas running around in my house. They’re out of control.”

“Are they yours, Sir?”

“Well, I just had the one, but it split in two after it ate a pit bull. Then I tried to chop up one of it with an ax, but by the time I was done, I had them crawling every which way.”

“We are not equipped to deal with one-celled animalcues, Sir. A pet must consist of at least ten billion cells before we’ll come out. Have you tried the zoo?”

“They won’t touch these things unless they’re wild. They say mine are domesticated. They don’t seem very tame to me.”

“Have you tried Pets in Need?”

“They’re out of business. There aren’t any stray dogs or cats anymore. They all got ate.”

“Then all I can suggest is that you buy a flamethrower down at the surplus store.”

“What the… How can I use a flamethrower in the house? My wife will kill me.”

“That’s a good point, Sir. Perhaps you could just close all the doors and windows and then burn the house down? Probably be the safest strategy. Is your house weatherproofed.”

“Why, for pity’s sake?

“Because if it isn’t, those little buggers will slither out under the doors.”

Day 20

“911. What is your emergency?”

“I’m in danger of being ate by one of my pets!”

“What type of pet is it, Sir?”

“They call her Amy. She’s one of those amoebas.”

“I’m sorry, Sir. We do not respond to amoeba problems. Do you own a flamethrower?”

“Yeah, but I can’t get to it.”

“Can you lock yourself in an airtight container?”

“I think I’m blub in one now. Are amoebas airtight?”

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3 Responses

  1. I have a pet e-coli bacterium. I NEVER take it anywhere.

  2. As long as the Amoeba ate Paco the dog, things will be OK.

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