Why Strong Women Make Better Wives

[Headline, Huffington Post]

My wife asked me to twist off the lid of a jar because she couldn’t. I couldn’t either. We fished out the lid-opener tool and used that.

What if my wife had been strong enough – or at least didn’t have arthritis in her hands – to just open the jar? What if I had been strong enough? Later I got mad at a guy in the fast lane and totalled our car.

Conclusion: strong is good.

My wife asked me to “squeeze her as hard as I could.” She said, laughingly, that I could probably crack her ribs if I tried hard enough. I gave her a good squeeze. She frowned. “Is that all you’ve got?” she said. “My personal trainer could squeeze me so hard my shorts would fall off.”

Conclusion: strong would be good for me, but not so much for the personal trainer.

At the company Christmas party, I had one or two nogs too many and when the CEO’s executive assistant strayed under the mistletoe, I gave her a big smooch. She was not strong enough to resist. On the other hand, my wife put a hammerlock on me that left my arm numb for a week.

Conclusion (times two); strong is not good.

My wife and I took a test that appeared in Parade Magazine. The results indicated that she had the strength of her convictions, whereas I was a boob. I told her that if she didn’t increase my allowance, based upon the fact that I needed more money to keep me going  since I wasn’t too bright, I would divorce her. She was able to call my bluff and as punishment, refused to give me a cent for two weeks. I had to run a tab at the bar and without a dollar bill in my hand, the pole dancers wouldn’t come near me.

Conclusion: strong is not good.

Final conclusion: strong is good. My wife told me to write that.

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6 Responses

  1. My wife is quite small, physically. She is sure that deep inside her little body is a big, strong woman, who will some day burst out of her body like a creature in Alien. Actually, her favorite “chick movies,” were the Alien movies, Terminator 2, and Romancing the Stone because she was virtually kicking butt with the strong actresses, Sigourney, Linda, and Kathleen.

    • Perhaps there is a big strong woman hidden in your wife. Do what I did and sign her up for a cage match down at the local bar (Wednesday nights). The prize is $100 and I was already spending it in my mind when my wife caught a strong right hand to her glass jaw.

      • My wife and I saw the Indiana Jones movie with the scene with the whip and the gun. Although I don’t know of any secret weapons she has secreted, I wouldn’t, would I?

        On the other hand, when I was in 5th grade, and again when I was in 7th grade I got beat up. I decided after those experiences to leave my battling to wordicuffs instead of fisticuffs. And having once won a big law suit against a varlet (appealed to the Oregon Supreme Court and upheld), I prefer legal-cuffs. Though in that arena, I think it would be wise to quit while I am ahead, so if I have offended you in any way, I apologize and withdraw my insult. For all I know, you may be a person who prefers to settle disputes with dueling pistols and you may be a reincarnation of Aaron Burr. Brrr. It’s cold here in Puget Sound at the moment.

  2. I too have been beat up by several women.

  3. My mistake was introducing my [strong] wife to the techniques UFC!

  4. very witty, but also so true…women ARE stronger than us. continue…

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