[Headline, Huffington Post, 01/12/12]
1. You have had no intimate relations in your life, but yet you wake up from a vivid dream in which you were “doing it.” How is this possible? Are you sure that you are absolutely pure? Has this been confirmed by a doctor’s examination? What about that time you did one jello shot too many and woke up in the tool shed?
2. Your mate reports that you drool in your sleep, but yet you rarely drool in waking life, metaphorical instances notwithstanding. Confront your mate. What is he/she doing that may be causing this unwonted seepage?
3. You use up one pillow every few weeks. (a) The marshmallow story is apocryphal, an urban legend. (b) Sleepers with back trouble are often instructed to place a pillow “under their hips.” This configuration is also used sometimes during the act of marital congress. What’s the story with your hips? Are they sharp? Do they stick out like elephant ears? Does your partner sometimes yelp, “Eat something besides salad, Baby. You’re killing me here!”
4. You wake up in a strange place, whereas you went to bed in your bed. This one is easy. Somebody moved you.
5. You wake up in your bed, whereas you went to bed in a strange place. Also easy. You need to learn to “cuddle” when you’re done.
6. You have had a strange dream, but it seemed so real. I hear this often. It probably was real. This is probably the dream. How can you know? (a) Pinch yourself. Did it hurt? Of course it hurt. Even in a dream it would hurt. What are you thinking? (b) Spin one of those little tops. Does it just keep going and going. And then almost stop and fall over, but then, no, it speeds up and keeps going, and then it starts to slow down… You get the idea. If this happens, it strongly indicates that you are at least a little crazy, for just doing everything I say. You’re lucky I don’t ask you for money. Yes, you, four-eyes.
7. You wake up and your wife is gone. Her clothes are gone. Her suitcase is gone. In the kitchen, there are signs that she made a PB&J to take with her. Check in the hall closet! Whew. Your golf clubs are still there.