5 Must-Know Facts About Sex

[Headline, Huffington Post, 01/11/12]

1. It’s ok to mix sex and food. For some, it is essential. (a) Is it possible to cook a good dinner, including hor dourves and dessert, while having sex? Sure. We won’t get graphic here; just know that it’s no problem. Care is necessary so that no one gets scalded or cut. (b) Comfort eating can be a big help during the rigors of intercourse. (c) Don’t snap your gum.

2. It’s ok to spread out the act, timewise. Pace yourself if you want to. Attenuate the friction by taking the whole day, say, on and off, to complete your business. What’s the rush? You’ve got the rest of your life, unless you’re on a date. Get started, take a break for Kelly Ripa and bagels, re-engage, argue about your finances, lose interest, do a little blow to rekindle, re-enact that time you were both unfaithful but now can laugh about it (only if you’re really high), and so on. There is no shame in temporarily wandering off, unless it’s to a strip club.

3. It’s not ok to call it sex when it’s really something else, like, say, exercise. Don’t count out loud, as if you’re doing pushups. Don’t play that little game where one of you chases the other, both of you shrieking with laughter, and you wrestle her to the ground, if that chase runs longer than three hours or twelve miles, whichever comes first. Normal relations never include lifting your partner repeatedly over your head.

4. It’s not ok if either of the two partners in the act does not realize that it is actually going on.

5. An exception to #4: If you can only enjoy sexual congress when asleep, it’s ok to tell your mate “Good night, Honey. Knock yourself out.”

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2 Responses

  1. When my granddaughter was four years old, I took her to the zoo. She looked at the baby animals with great interest. As we were heading home, she asked me, “Grandpa, how does a baby get out of the mother?” I was not expecting this question and was taken a bit aback. I started to explain, and as the language grew a bit — technical, shall I say? — I retired in some confusion, escaping by saying, “I think this is a conversation you should have with your mommies.” Right now, she is about seven years old. A period I think Freud referred to as “latency.” About the time she is ten or eleven, I presume she will take me to the zoo and say, “Grandpa, I think it is about time for me to explain to you about the birds and the bees. To begin with, I have two mommies and two daddies. How many mommies and daddies did you have?”

    It will be interesting to see if she begins with boys or with girls, or if she decides to go menage right from the start.

  2. i try to discourage the attitude of “let’s go to the zoo and think about sex.”

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