FDA Demands Man Stop Giving Away Sperm

(Headline, Huffington Post)

Alright, now it costs $5. Hah!

You know that saying, “You couldn’t give it away”? Well, it was true. I literally couldn’t give it away, at least not the old-fashioned way ha ha. But seriously, this is not a sexual issue. I have important abilities (I prefer to think of them as mutant powers) and I intend to share them with as many fecund human females as possible. Otherwise, my abilities will go to the grave with me.  😦

So I’ve updated my methods.

First, I arrange a date with a promising young woman using, say Match.com. I said that I want to share my vital essence with fecund females, but these females must be worthy, of course. As it happens, every woman listed on Match.com, according to her own self-description, is imminently worthy.

Next, on the date, I demonstate some of my powers. For example, pick a number between one and five. I can usually guess it. Three? Two? See what I mean? Another example: Who will be elected president in November? I’m asking you. No, you’re wrong. Wait and see. You’ll be surprised.

Then, I display some of my physical powers. I can bend spoons with my mind. I bring a pocketful of bent spoons with me to prove it. We go outside. I show how many cracks in the sidewalk I can jump over at once. Now if I’m really interested in the woman, I show her how I can run across a really busy street and back without getting hit by a car. I have to be really interested because even with my powers, mistakes are sometimes made.

Finally, the moment of truth. I Invite the woman back to my place, so I can give her a plastic-wrapped bit of my essence. Because the selection process is so exacting, I find that my freezer is filling up! I’m running out of little specimen cups! But anyway, I hand it over and send the future mom on her way. Heaven knows how many little “super” children are running around out there by now.