Ten Habits of Happy Couples

(Headline in the Huffington Post)

1. Since they’re happy, you could put down anything here. Like, they’re in the habit of having dinner together, because they’re happy and they enjoy sitting there while the serving girls bring out the cook’s creations for the night and the butler opens a $400 bottle of wine.

2. Since they’re happy, they’re probably in the habit of flying off to a tropical resort when the weather cools. Naturally, they enjoy a lot of sex there. What kind of sex? Nothing too new, because it’s a habit.

3. I like to collect string. You could call that a habit. I’ll spot a bit of a thread, clinging to your skirt, say, and I pick it off real quick, before you can jump back. You could say that makes me happy. You and I aren’t exactly a couple, because we’re just standing in an elevator together, but you can see what I mean.

4. The whole going-to-bed-at-night thing is important to mention. I mean, to go to sleep. Happy couples are in the habit of dozing off with a smile on their two faces. Of course, in certain cases there may be others in the bed too, but Christ only knows what their habits may be.

5. Just don’t take more than your share of the covers. I put up with enough already. You grab all the covers, you’re happy, but what about me? We should never have sold our double beds, just because we needed a few bucks for food.

6. Happy couples are in the habit of laughing a lot. This makes a lot of other couples unhappy, so I’m not sure that we should count it. It would make me happy to tell them to pipe down. Maybe even poke the guy in the snoot. I wouldn’t poke the woman, but if I spotted a bit of a thread on her, I wouldn’t be gentle plucking it off!

7. We should mention love. Are happy couples in love? Maybe they are and maybe they aren’t, but love isn’t a habit. It’s something that requires endless hours of dating, tears, plotting, buying of new jeans, picking flowers in the park without getting caught, pretending that you like dogs and her kid and that you understand what the hell she’s talking about and wondering when you can, you know, make your move.

8. A lot of happy couples, maybe the majority, have been married before. A lot of their happiness is about the fact that their current mates aren’t anything like the last ones. Of course, they are often in the habit of becoming quickly disabused of this notion.

9. Happy couples hang out together, at BBQs and cocktail parties and reunions. You can see them throwing their heads back and laughing. From a distance, because no way you’re going to be invited, not if you’re normal like, say, me.

10. Happy couples are in the habit of never saying they’re sorry.

4 Responses

  1. Hey Joe,
    Good subject.
    Typical Huff Post article. Why don’t we get to write these? Just saw one, “Why it’s good for women to have more than one lover”. Seriously, I could write these in my sleep.
    Secret of happy couples? They’re just happy people. Happy people are happy alone or with someone else. Done. Where’s my paycheck?

  2. Being a happy couple is one of the most difficult tasks human beings take on. There are quite a few very intelligent and talented people who never bring it off.

  3. I’m 32 years into a marriage that’s DOA. So, naturally, I love this post. Thanks for listing all the things that don’t apply to me! Oh, if I haven’t said it before, I’ll say it again: you are a great writer. I’m a huge fan of your blog. Everything I find is wonderful…every piece a little buried treasure. Keep it up. And if you don’t make a living with your stuff, there’s no justice in the Universe. Maybe you should try an alternate.

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