Christmas Definitions 7

Wreath – To be very happy. “Her face was wreathed in smiles.” How many mouths did she have?

Midnight Mass -The Christmas version of New Year’s Eve. I sat near Joe Montana at one of them.

Tinsel (Icicles) – Most deadly ornament for the tree? Don’t let your cat eat a bowl of them.

Merry Christmas – God rest ye merry Gentlemen. Tis the season to be jolly. More divorces are announced on Christmas that any other day of the year, by a significant margin.

Mall Santas – Pretend Santas making a buck down at the mall. A few of them like children. There are two unions, the members of which hate each other. Two clowns have been knifed. In the back. Most mall Santas work as clowns during the off-season. A few of them let their evil clown nature leak out while they sit on Santa’s flocked throne, wishing they were holding a sceptre with a death’s head on its tip.

Grinch – Twentieth Century’s version of Scrooge. Santa would love to get rid of these guys. It’s bad enough that Jesus steals some of his thunder. Santa doesn’t need competition from an animated green creature (or Jim Carrey or Bill Murray).

Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Kid creeps down the stairs and sees Mommy kissing Daddy in a Santa Claus suit. Good for the parents, for having enough energy left to do this. (So easy to go dark here, or blue, but it’s Christmas.)

Creche – Like a big Christmas dollhouse for kids, only they aren’t allowed to touch it.

Christmas Tree – Christmas decoration for the living room. You can purchase a good-looking one at the market, or go to one of many lots. We aren’t running out of these trees because Christmas-tree farming is big business now. Energy required to harvest the trees and get them into your house: enough to power NYC for a year.

2 Responses

  1. For a non believer such as me, Christmas is a meme (intellectual equivalent to a biological virus).

    For a child, Christmas is a ME…ME!

    My ancestors were Eastern European Jews. By my grandparents’ generation they had a) moved to the United States, b) lost whatever religious belief they originally held (though they morphed into a tinge of “New Age” wacka-doodle-ry), and c) adopted alternative health semi-useful/semi-quackery as a kind of new religion. (See the semi-fictional book THE ROAD TO WELLVILLE by T. C. Boyle — also a movie — for a good description of the beginning of this cult.) Boyle’s book is based on real people and real events. My paternal grandfather is not in the book, but he was actually involved with some of the people — such as Kellogg — portrayed in the book.

    My parents worshiped health food and were not sure whether they were Jews or not. I remember as a child of about five or so in the Echo Park neighborhood of Los Angeles being unhappy that we did not have a Christmas tree (as most of my friends did). As a little brat, I did not wish for Jesus’ love and sacrifice; I longed for Christmas presents. My father awkwardly tried to explain to me that as we were Jews it wasn’t really appropriate for us to have a Christmas tree. Then, I presume he said to himself, WTF! and we got a Christmas tree and somehow (because we were quite poor at the time) I got some Christmas presents. So Christmas for a little child means ME ME ME ME.

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