One State Takes Drastic Measure To Encourage Breastfeeding

(Huffington Post headline)

Bulletin from the State Office of Health and Safety

Attention, Citizens!

It has come to our attention that many mothers in this state are bottle-feeding their babies. This is unacceptable. Sure, you can give your baby the occasional sugar-teat soaked with laudanun. Mothers have been doing that for years. But bottle milk will not do; nor will rubber nipples.

Henceforth, all new mothers will be mailed an inexpensive cell phone with camera. Each time that you breastfeed, take a picture of your baby on the teat and send the picture to this office using the phone.

Our agents will make random checks of nursing mothers. If a sufficient number of photos are not on file for you, you will be fined to the full extent of the law. Repeat offenses will cause an agent to be assigned to you. This agent will be authorized to haul out the teat and attach the baby to it.

You may apply for an exception due to, for example, inverted nipples, milk that doesn’t come in, or nipples ravaged by a baby with early teeth. An agent will follow up with you. Hormone therapy may be required. Tooth guards may be applied to your child.

Fathers cannot substitute for the agent, even if the agent is a male, as many of them are. Although some of our agents may have a severe breast fetish, nonetheless they are seasoned professionals. They will see the milk from the gland into the infant and may offer to help with the burping. They will also supply substitute, dry bras in case of leaking.

Don’t send us a picture of a Barbie at your breast. We aren’t idiots. Make sure that we have equal numbers of left- and right-breast nursing pics. Don’t get all artsy, with pics from below or with dramatic lighting, or with other moms around also nursing. On second thought, all those things would be ok.

Although it might seem counterintuitive, the larger and more attractive your breasts are, the more pictures we will require. Try to keep the baby’s head to the side.

Most importantly, have fun! (But no sex while nursing. At least, not to excess.)

3 Responses

  1. When our granddaughter, AE, was about three or four, we took her, her favorite doll (and her mommies) out to a restaurant. At a nearby table a woman was feeding a baby with soda in a bottle. At our table, AE was solemnly holding her doll to her chest, perhaps as a demonstration of proper infant feeding.

  2. There’s an entire group of people who get irate when a woman breast-feeds in public. I think their crazy.

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