On Behalf of Jesus, I Accept Your Invitation

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dearest Mary. I would love to come to your party. May I open the festivities with a prayer? I know that you said “Never again,” but I will try to be more concise this time.

2. Dearest Mary. No prayer? May I at least speak to the crowd for a moment on the importance of Christ in our lives? I know that you said “Take me out and shoot me if this ever happens again,” but I’ll try to limit my observations.

3. Dearest Mary. Nevertheless, I will come. I’ll park out on the curb and pray for your souls, for the duration of the party. I’ll honk once every five minutes, meaning “I love Jesus.”

The Scrolls of Dayr al-Ghusum, found by the teen Afeka H.

In translation, additional slight variations from the King James text have been found:

Psalm 17:8 – Keep me as the apple of thy nose, hide me under the shadow of thy wattles.

Daniel 5:5 – In the same hour came forth fingers of a man’s hand, and wrote over against the Candlestick in the Conservatory : and the king saw that Col. Mustard wrote.

Romans 13:1 – Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God, and that includes Facebook.

Sure thing

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Yo, Maria. I want to come to your party, but Vinnie’s bound to be there and I owe Vinnie money. There would be trouble. See you.

2. Yo, Maria. You’d do that for me? It’s only a loan, ok? But I can’t come till I know for sure he’s been paid off. See you.

3. Yo, Maria. You did it. You paid what I owed. You are an angel. Only, I had this sure thing, so I went to Vinnie and now I owe him more money than ever. See you.

I’ve Moved On

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dear Anne. I can’t come to your party on Friday. I’m driving to Las Vegas to marry my new love. I hope you and Larry have a great time.

2. Dear Anne. You and Larry broke up? Since when? Do you have someone new or are you playing the field? Sorry I won’t be in town on Friday.

3. Dear Anne. Sorry I’ll miss your Friday party. Can I buy you a drink on Saturday?

Allergy Season

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Hi, Mary. Thanks for the invitation to your dinner party. Unfortunately, I’m allergic to many, many foods. Best I not trouble you with my dietary needs. So sorry!

2. Hi, Mary. Wow, your list of hypoallergenic entrees is amazing. I can’t say no to your invitation on the basis of my food allergies. However, I’m also allergic to many, many household items. Best I not trouble you with my environmental needs. So sorry!

3. Hi, Mary. Wow, your house must be a marvel of hypoallergenistity. I suppose that I can’t turn down your invitation on the basis of house dust and cat dander. However, I’m also allergic to you.

Do you really mean this?

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dave: I’ve received your invitation. It seems sarcastic. Do you really mean to invite me?

2. Dave: Thanks for your explanation. Your invitation is not sarcastic. However, your explanation seems snide. I can’t abide snide.

3. Dave: Thanks for your explanation of your explanation. Your invitation is not sarcastic and your explanation is not snide. But your explanation of your explanation seems patronizing. I cannot attend an event presented by an individual who patronizes me. Sorry.

My dog ate the invitation.

(“My top three excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Howie, my dog ate the invitation you sent, and died. Funeral is the same day as your party. Sorry.

2. Howie, thanks for the second invitation. The cat ate it and died. Funeral is the same day as the dog’s. Sorry.

3. Howie, thanks for the third invitation. My mom ate it.

I want to come!

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. I want to come but my mom says if I do, I’ll be grounded for a week.

2. I want to come and my mom is ok with it, but my dad says if I do, he’ll beat me like a drum.

3. I want to come and my mom and dad are ok with it, but my jealous sister Gwen says if I do, she’ll let Brian kiss her on the lips. This must not happen! Brian cheated to win my favorite marble, The Peach, plus he’s a moron and a toad.

I’d love to attend!

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

Hi, Susie. Thanks for the invitation to your party on Friday. I’d love to attend! Unfortunately, I’ve developed a nasty little cough. I’d better stay home. Don’t want to be spreading this to your other guests. Cheers! John.

Hello, Susie. I’m writing to you from the hospital. The doctors want to investigate this cough of mine. Probably nothing to worry about, but it’s much worse. Thanks for the home remedies you sent me and for your repeated assurances that I can come to your party on Friday, sick as I am.

Dear Ms Smith. We regret to inform you that John Jones has passed away, in spite of all our efforts to save him. He will not be attending your party tonight. In his final moments, he asked us to thank you for your offer of an ambulance to bring him over to your place.

WATCH: World’s Scariest Roller Coaster?

(Huffington Post, 11/21/11)

Coaster Rules:

You must be at least one or two years old to ride. That is, you must be old enough to scream Help!

Lactating mothers: we do not recommend breastfeeding your child during the ride.

Not recommended on this ride: false teeth, toupees, glass eyes, falsies, wooden legs, wheelchair cases, crutches, comical hats, clutch bags, loose brooches, heart transplants less than a week old, anyone afflicted with the jimjams, fantods, hysterical blindness, the screaming meemies, neuritis, or neuralgia.

Please use the seatbelts that we provide. If you insist on standing up at some point during the ride, remember to refasten the belt when you sit down again, assuming that you’re still in the car.

If, when your coaster car reaches the very, very top, you decide to opt out of the ride down the other side, please step out onto the platform provided up there. Hold tightly to the handrail once you’re out, as the wind at that height can blow you right off the structure.

If, after the first circuit, the cars come through and your seat is empty, another ticket-holder will be allowed to take your place. If you show up later, having somehow survived your fall, you will not be given a free ride.

We are not legally required by State, County, or Town ordinances to provide you with statistics relating to the safety of this ride. This includes any information regarding fatalities.

No firearms, even though the Constitution guarantees your right to carry one, or more. If you’re going to be pig-headed about it, at least put the safety on.

Please do not eat during the ride.

If the individual seated in front of you does eat, we advise you not to attempt the Heimlich maneuver, at least while plunging downwards at speeds that will exceed 100 mph.

Do not smooch your sweetie on the ride if you are wearing braces, which can become like flashing knives on the whiplash curves.

We’ve given up on all our rules about vomiting.

Most important: Have fun!