Vatican’s Exorcist: Yoga Is Satanic

(Huffington Post, 11/29/11)

I was performing Laughing Raccoon Washes Food when an imp showed up.

“That’s terrible,” he said.

“What the…?”

“What am I doing here? I’m an imp. Lowest of the low. All I get is beginners and spastics,” he said.

“No Kardashian sisters doing yoga in the nude with their nude male instructor?”

“Listen, Buddy,” said the imp. “Some major demons show up for that one every day. Besides, at my size I’d smother in the snugglepups.”

I adopted Studious Raccoon Sniffs Garbage Can.

“Ugh,” said the imp.

“What do you care? Jeez. I’m working here.”

“My job is to help you channel energy to your groin and anger chakras. So you’ll go out and misbehave. It’s a new Satan thing that’s come down.”

I adopted Annoyed Crouching Raccoon.

“Now breathe deeply,” said the imp. “Let the air flow down through your body to your groin… Inflate your Root chakra… Good… Can you feel it?”

“Yes, but… the energy is going a little… farther… back… Aww, nuts.”


I adopted Shamed Wiping Raccoon.

“I’m not paid enough for this,” said the imp.

5 Responses

  1. ā€œIā€™m not paid enough for this,ā€ said the imp.

    What is the coin with which they pay imps? Is there a union, with a seniority scale? Or is there a merit pay system? How can one distinguish between a satanic being which is demonstrating real skill or apprentice, with no real skills, or between one that is putting its entire [heart?] into it, or one that is just going through the motions?

    For that matter, why did the big kahuna rebel against the Biggest Kahuna in the first place. Isn’t living in Heaven supposed to mean eternal happiness, an oxymoron if there ever was one?

    BTW, we have real raccoons in our five acres in the woods, and their typical postures are a) I Want to Eat Your Chickens, b) That *!@% Electric Fence Really Hurts, and c) As Soon As I Complete My Electrician Journeycoon Training, I Am Going to Fry You in Your Dwelling and Eat You at My Leisure.

    • i love a man who is interested in spiritual questions!

      a rattle at the kitchen door the other night. i thought it was one of the cats, but when i opened it, there was that little black raccoon nose, with the animal behind it thinking about coming in.

      • If your cats are outside with the raccoons, they will soon be ex-cats. As I indicated, as soon as the coons figure out electricity, it is lights out for us. Or perhaps the raccoons and the starlings will join forces; raccoons will be the animal world “Seals,” and the starlings will be their drones.

      • These suburban coons apparently don’t kill cats. These coons live among us.

      • It’s a point. Years ago we had a friend who lived on a house boat on a lake in Seattle with her cat. One day, she spied a raccoon paw coming through the cat door and scooping cat food out of the cat’s dish. The raccoon apparently lived on all the boats docked on the pier and commuted from boat to boat each day, collecting protection money for not eating the pets. Raccoons are perhaps Mafia coonbahs.

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