(Huffington Post, 11/29/11)
I was performing Laughing Raccoon Washes Food when an imp showed up.
“That’s terrible,” he said.
“What am I doing here? I’m an imp. Lowest of the low. All I get is beginners and spastics,” he said.
“No Kardashian sisters doing yoga in the nude with their nude male instructor?”
“Listen, Buddy,” said the imp. “Some major demons show up for that one every day. Besides, at my size I’d smother in the snugglepups.”
I adopted Studious Raccoon Sniffs Garbage Can.
“Ugh,” said the imp.
“What do you care? Jeez. I’m working here.”
“My job is to help you channel energy to your groin and anger chakras. So you’ll go out and misbehave. It’s a new Satan thing that’s come down.”
I adopted Annoyed Crouching Raccoon.
“Now breathe deeply,” said the imp. “Let the air flow down through your body to your groin… Inflate your Root chakra… Good… Can you feel it?”
“Yes, but… the energy is going a little… farther… back… Aww, nuts.”
I adopted Shamed Wiping Raccoon.
“I’m not paid enough for this,” said the imp.