I’ve Decided Not To Come

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dear Janie. Thank you for your invitation. I’ve thought about it and, although I like you, I’ve decided not to come. Your parties usually aren’t that much fun.

2. Dear Janie. Thank you again for your invitation. I thought at first that I would come, out of respect for our friendship, but then I decided that it just wasn’t worth it, because your party will probably be something of a drag.

3. Dear Janie. Thank you for your invitation. My parents, my husband, and my children all believe that I’m going crazy. They say that this honesty business isn’t normal. Perhaps they’re right. I haven’t been myself lately. In any event, I won’t be coming, because I fear that your party will be a real snoozer.

Vatican’s Exorcist: Yoga Is Satanic

(Huffington Post, 11/29/11)

I was performing Laughing Raccoon Washes Food when an imp showed up.

“That’s terrible,” he said.

“What the…?”

“What am I doing here? I’m an imp. Lowest of the low. All I get is beginners and spastics,” he said.

“No Kardashian sisters doing yoga in the nude with their nude male instructor?”

“Listen, Buddy,” said the imp. “Some major demons show up for that one every day. Besides, at my size I’d smother in the snugglepups.”

I adopted Studious Raccoon Sniffs Garbage Can.

“Ugh,” said the imp.

“What do you care? Jeez. I’m working here.”

“My job is to help you channel energy to your groin and anger chakras. So you’ll go out and misbehave. It’s a new Satan thing that’s come down.”

I adopted Annoyed Crouching Raccoon.

“Now breathe deeply,” said the imp. “Let the air flow down through your body to your groin… Inflate your Root chakra… Good… Can you feel it?”

“Yes, but… the energy is going a little… farther… back… Aww, nuts.”

“Eww.”

I adopted Shamed Wiping Raccoon.

“I’m not paid enough for this,” said the imp.