Families 2

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dear Son. You don’t call, you don’t write, and now you invite me to your wedding to somebody named Mary Christiana? I’ll stay home and watch Exodus again, thank you very much.

2. Dear Son. You invite me to my grandson’s brit milah (or as I refer to it, my grandson’s genital mutilation)? I’ll stay home and watch Hostel again, thank you very much.

3. Dear Son. You invite me to attend the group babtism of your entire family in the Pauxtenny River, dressed in black suits and white shirts and black felt hats, until the water washes them off your heads and they float away down the stream, what a waste? If I want wet like that, I’ll stay home and watch Noah’s Ark again. Have a good time, Mr. John the Babtist!

Families

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit)

1. Dear Susie. Thank you for finally inviting your old grandma to your birthday party. I won’t be coming because, one, it’s five thousand miles away and, two, I’ll be making out my will that day.

2. Dear Son. Thank you for inviting me to your underwater scuba wedding. I’ll have to miss it because, while my wheelchair would sink quickly to the bottom of the pool for the ceremony, I’d worry about getting back up to the surface.

3. Dear Son. Thank you for inviting me to your graduation. Congratulations. I’ll have to miss the ceremony because I made a promise to myself years ago, after I had served my time and been released, that I would never again return behind those gray stone walls, even to visit.

No.

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dear Chin Tsi-ang. Thanks for your invitation. Since nobody but you and I would be speaking English at your party, and since your English is quite poor, I’d better not attend. You know that I like you, but I think that this is for the best.

2. Dear Chin Tsi-ang. It means I will not come. I will not be there. It will not eventuate. It will not transpire. I like you. We are friends. But I’m not coming over to your house and I’m not bringing a ” goodie smack” to your party.

3. Dear Chin Tsi-ang. No.

I’ll Not Come

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit)

1. Sirs. Thanks for inviting me to your presentation of a great time-share opportunity. I understand that if I attend, I’ll win a car, an iPad, or a great deal on the time-share. I already have a car and an iPad, so I would only come if I thought I could win the great deal. But you’d probably just give me the car or the iPad and then try to sell me the time-share anyway, so I’ll not come.

2. Sirs. Thanks for the invitation to your clearinghouse magazine-subscriptions presentation. I understand that I may (and probably have) won one million dollars already. Therefore, please send me the million and sign me up for all the magazines. No need for me to come.

3. Sirs. Thanks for the invite to Nigeria, but you just keep the ten million from this long-lost uncle of mine. You need it more than I. I’ll not come.