(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)
1. John: I don’t drink, smoke, sing, dance, smooch, listen to music, eat between meals, chat to no purpose, shake hands without a rubber glove, convene with heathens, fools, or chuckleheads, dress up, costume myself, observe holidays, suffer fools gladly, use toilets other than my own, leave my Norwegian Lundehunds home alone, or speak to any other human on Grubbnasser’s Eve. I won’t be coming to your party.
2. I’m a party animal. I only party with animals.
3. Fred: When I was young, my great-uncle took me aside for a chat. We never talk about this in the family. It was at my birthday party. Since that day, I don’t go to parties. If you invite me again, I’ll call the police.