On Behalf of Jesus, I Decline Your Invitation

1. Dearest Mary. I would love to come to your party, but I must decline due to the absence of prayer at your get-togethers.

2. Dearest Mary. Thank you for offering to let me pray at your party, if only in the closet. Sadly, I must still decline, due to the absence of any growthful preaching at your get-togethers.

3. Dearest Mary. Thank you for offering to let me preach at your party, if only in the bathroom with the door closed. Sadly, I must still decline, due to the absence of any full-immersion babtisms at your get-togethers (not to mention the dearth of speaking in tongues or any significant faith healing.)

Three favorite excuses

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. John: I don’t drink, smoke, sing, dance, smooch, listen to music, eat between meals, chat to no purpose, shake hands without a rubber glove, convene with heathens, fools, or chuckleheads, dress up, costume myself, observe holidays, suffer fools gladly, use toilets other than my own, leave my Norwegian Lundehunds home alone, or speak to any other human on Grubbnasser’s Eve. I won’t be coming to your party.

2. I’m a party animal. I only party with animals.

3. Fred: When I was young, my great-uncle took me aside for a chat. We never talk about this in the family. It was at my birthday party. Since that day, I don’t go to parties. If you invite me again, I’ll call the police.