Christmas Gift Exchange

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dear Magda: Thank you for the invitation to your Christmas Gift Exchange. However, since I’d be the only one there not in the 1%, I’d feel awkward about the gift I bring to exchange, constrained as I am budgetwise. Sorry.

2. Dear Magda: Thank you so much for the gift to use in the exchange. I’m blown away. Almost want to keep it for myself ha ha. But even with the gift, I’d be a sartorial fish out of water at such a formal gathering. I’ll have to renege on account of wardrobe failure. Sorry.

3. Magda. Thanks for the session at Patrik Ervell. Unbelivable clothes. Also, thanks for calling down after the guards saw what I was driving and wouldn’t let me in. While walking up to the mansion, I was asked three times to park the cars of arriving guests. I’m going home. I would like to keep the tips, though.

On Behalf of Jesus, I Accept Your Invitation

(“My Top Three Excuses” contest. 150-word limit.)

1. Dearest Mary. I would love to come to your party. May I open the festivities with a prayer? I know that you said “Never again,” but I will try to be more concise this time.

2. Dearest Mary. No prayer? May I at least speak to the crowd for a moment on the importance of Christ in our lives? I know that you said “Take me out and shoot me if this ever happens again,” but I’ll try to limit my observations.

3. Dearest Mary. Nevertheless, I will come. I’ll park out on the curb and pray for your souls, for the duration of the party. I’ll honk once every five minutes, meaning “I love Jesus.”